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Thursday, September 5, 2013

The Very First NYC Mayoral Race Assclown Roundup!

I occasionally like to make fun of politicians. I don't poke fun, because that implies a certain amount of affection and respect. No, I make fun of them, because what I have learned over the years is that politicians are generally people who cannot survive in the public sector. I'm not talking about you good folks who serve on your local township committees or school boards part time, I'm talking about career politicians.

With that being said, next Tuesday is primary election day in New York City. This means I am being bombarded with television and radio ads for the various and sundry nincompoops who think it is their birthright to feed at the public trough for the length of their lives (kind of like welfare, only when you're a public official you not only don't have to work, you don't have to take responsibility for anything either).

So, here goes the very first RBL&S Assclown Roundup:

These pillars of demagoguery, pedantry and unbrightness appear in the order they popped into my head, and since the GOP and Democrat parties are both chock full of insane people rendering them indistinguishable from each other, I'm not bothering to list party affiliation.

Duh, of course people should
all think the way I do.
Christine Quinn: (Mayor) Current council speaker Quinn's knee-jerk reaction to Hurricane Sandy (RBL&OS 11-20-12) was to suggest we spends billions of dollars we don't have to build a series of giant seawalls around the entire city. Ms. Quinn has been silent on the people in Staten Island (not her district, in all fairness) who may never be able to move into their homes again. Ms. Quinn also believes that if you have different beliefs than her, especially about matters sexual, then it's the government's job to keep you from doing business in her town (RBL&OS 8-1-12).

Libertarian or not, I never trust a grown man who thinks
with his tongue sticking out.
Joe Lhota: (Mayor) The former MTA chief called NY Port Authority cops "mall cops" and former Rudolph
Guiliani an idiot. He often Tweets ridiculous things filled with errors and then blames it on too much wine. He apologizes but then says he tells it "like it is" and "how he sees it." In an attempt to make you feel sorry for him, Joe calls himself a "9/11 cancer survivor” although 9/11 happened in 2001 and his cancer scare happened in 2006.

At least he'll never ask anyone to lend him a hand.
He takes care of himself, himself.
Anthony Weiner: (Mayor) You're supposed to forget about his past, even if by "past" he means last Tuesday. Long known as the nastiest, most egotistical member of Congress, Weiner is now also a famous selfie subject who simply can't get enough of himself (some of his cyber-partners claim he likes to comfort himself up to 14 times a day). Now that I think about it, he might be a perfect Mayor because he'll be too busy with himself to screw things up for the rest of New York. Maybe Bloomberg should have taken up a hobby.

"...and her ass was this big, so I asked for a discount."
Eliot Spitzer: (Comptroller - token non-Mayoral candidate) This guy used to be governor of New York except his predilection for
prostitutes cost him his job. Since he can't earn a living anywhere else he wants to get another job in government. Spitzer is the poster child for what is wrong with our political system: He spits on the public trust then finds he can't get by without the public's support (see Anthony Weiner). Loves to have him some prostitutes, touts how no one "did more than him" to promote women's rights and health.

Bill deBlasio (r) pandering to a special-interest group
near you. Geez, now everyone wants a discount.
Bill deBlasio: (Mayor) Proudly calls himself a 'progressive' and touts the fact that he is going to "raise taxes on the rich to pay for after school care." Bill has also freely used his teenaged son, (who is bi-racial but looks black) to pander to the racists in the party who are against stop and frisk (I am too, but not because I define people by raceI define people by results). I can't get past the idea that if deBlasio's son looked Italian instead of African, and he didn't have a wonderfully ginormous 'fro, we'd never see his mug on TV. As you get mad at me for this piece, remember, I didn't trot his son out to play racial politics with, he did. deBlasio will also be New York City's next mayor.

I tried to find an unflattering picture of Catsimatidis,
but they all looked like this.
John Catsimatidis: (Mayor) Super-Billionaire Catsimatidis answered a political attack ad from his rival deBlasio (that didn't use his son for the purposes of pandering to every special interest group he could think of), with this gem: “ They went Negative First using NY Post as there SURRAGATE attack DOG. That’s why our guys pushed into this Ads.”

So go out and vote, New York City! America's comedy future depends on you people taking one of these clowns seriously. And since you will indeed vote for one of these peopleproving to the rest of us that you don't take your own future seriously, then make fun of you all we indeed will do.

Note: If you are offended by anything in this piece, you have way bigger problems than what you read in some dopey blog.

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