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Friday, March 1, 2013

What Do Get When You Cross the President With A Potato?

The Lede

Barack Obama said today that he is "not a dictator." This is excellent news because I was really becoming afraid that he was in fact, a dictator.

Around twenty-five years ago, when I was in my early twenties but still operating at a 7th grade level humor-wise, a friend told me this joke:
"What do you get when you cross a [male body part that I can't say here because, while I may enjoy juvenile humor, female relatives of mine read this blog] and a potato?"
"A dictator."
Someone should tell him it's a Vulcan Mind Meld.
There is no such fictional thing as a Jedi Mind Meld.

As we enter the dark nights of the Sequester Weekend, which is not to be confused with the Fiscal Cliff Christmas Holiday, or Socialist Armageddon (we call it Election Day here in America), the Internets will be fully engulfed in chatter that Obama has come out and denied he thinks we'd all be better off if we would just let him be dictator. Americans will have two responses to this silly statement of his:
  1. Obamanauts, Obamabots, Democrats, silly people and low-information voters will say, "SEE! We told you he wasn't a dictator and now he has permanently cleared that up for you, you racist, war-mongering, women-hating people who disagree with us!"
  2. Everybody else will say, "Hmmmm, sounds like the Prez doth protesteth too much."
But to avoid confusion, let's take an in-depth and serious look at the president's speech today.

In-Depth Look At the President's Speech

What he said:
I am not a dictator, I'm the president. Ultimately, if Mitch McConnell or John Boehner say we need to go to catch a plane, I can't have Secret Service block the doorway."
What he meant:

"If I say I'm not a dictator, the people of America might think to themselves, 'you know what, he's not a dictator but maybe he should be so John Boehner will stop ruining the country."

By not making any mention of Nancy Pelosi or Harry Reid also having to catch a plane he is implicitly stating that everything is the Republicans fault. This stupid statement will cause the people of America to shake their heads and spit out their kashi onto their Birkenstocks as they mumble something ignorant about people who disagree with the president.

What he said:
"I know that this has been some of the conventional wisdom that's been floating around Washington, and that somehow–even though most people agree that I'm being reasonable, that most people agree I'm presenting a fair deal–the fact that they don't take it means that somehow I should do a Jedi mind-meld with these folks and convince them to do what's right."
What he meant:

Only an arrogant jack-ass would say he should "somehow do a Jedi mind-meld" on people with an opposing view from his. Only a childish, narcissistic fool would use this as an example of the powers he wished he had. Only a complete and utter moron would agree with him on either count.

By the way, Obama's "fair deal" that everybody (but me, because I am not stupid) agrees is "reasonable" and wonderful is to raise your taxes even more. Now I know that it's racist and greedy for me to not want to pay any more taxes, but I don't. Neither should you.

What he said:
"But ultimately it's a choice they make, and this idea that somehow there's a secret formula or secret sauce to get speaker Boehner or Mitch McConnell to say 'You know what Mr. President, you're right'...I think if there was a secret way to do that, I would have tried it. I would have done it." 

What he meant:

First of all, aren't you Obamanauts getting tired of worshipping a man who is so impotent that everything that happens is not his fault and is not under his control or purview to do anything about? This 'Mr. President' (as he calls himself) has really got a case of the "I'm-all-that's." My ex-wife got a job once and she strutted into my personal space and said "I have arrived." It's like my ex-wife is now the president: They both think spending other people's money is the only way to go. Every American now has an ex-spouse with his or her hands in their pockets. Wonderful. Congratulations.

Let's Look At Some Fun Quotations About Dictators

"I'm not a dictator, I'm the president." - Barack Obama

"It is a paradox that every dictator has climbed to power on the ladder of free speech. Immediately on attaining power each dictator has suppressed all free speech except his own." - Herbert Hoover

"Any dictator would admire the uniformity and obedience of the U.S. media." - Noam Chomsky

"You can't become a dictator through checks and balances." - Tommy Chong

“Dictators are rulers who always look good until the last ten minutes” - Jan Masaryk

“Dictators ride to and fro upon tigers which they dare not dismount. And the tigers are getting hungry.” - Winston Churchill

“Dictatorship is a constant lecture instructing you that your feelings, your thoughts and desires are of no account, that you are a nobody and must live as you are told by other people who desire and think for you” - Stephen Vizinczey

I hope you all make it through the cuts in increases of spending that will take us back to 2011-level spending, but let's just call it "sequestration" so people who don't think a lot will get their bloomers all twisted up.

Have a nice weekend.

Note at the Bottom: Before you weinies get all uptight that I told a joke inferring the president was some sort of potato - male genitalia biological experiment gone horribly wrong, I didn't. You did. I just told the only dictator joke I know, and anyway I said "a president" so you should maybe examine your own thoughts about our current White House inhabitant.

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