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Monday, March 25, 2013

The Weather Channelization of America

Oh. My. God.

It's snowing here in New Jersey this morning. Ten minutes ago it was raining. Wait a sec, just looked out the window and now it's a kind slush/ice/rain mix. South of here it's actually snowing and people are expecting...wait for it...like 4" of snow. Tomorrow it's going to be 50 degrees so I'd tell the wife your back hurts and you can't shovel today.

A Facebook weather advisory just warned me that tree limbs might fall and cause scattered power outages.

NBC's (National Broadcaster of Communism) Mike Seidel made a giant snowball from the 2" of wet snow he was sent to Frederick, Maryland, to cover.

The people are lamenting that it is spring (as of five days ago) and yet it is still snowing.

I'm not hearing much about Global Warming, or even Climate Chance, in spite of the mass hysteria of a desperately clingy winter.

Watch the most scintallating 1:27 of television you will see today:

It snows in "spring" sometimes. In fact, here is the actual seasonal calendar for New Jersey:
  • Spring: From right after you pay your frigging income taxes until the second week of July
  • Summer: Second week of July until the third week of August
  • Autumn: Until right before I start my Christmas shopping
  • Winter: The rest of the year
The problem is, the weather isn't really interested in your schedule or how acute your S.A.D. (Seasonal Affective Disorder) is. If the clouds have snow in them it will snow. If the sun feels like making the jet stream move north so you can wear flip-flops in January, you gotta roll with it. Calling Barack Obama to fix the climate isn't going to do a damned thing. In fact, I think sometimes God His Very Self looks at the weather and thinks to Himself, Heck, that's not what I meant to do.*

Here is a picture I found on my Facebook feed this morning
from a nice lady named Melissa in Vineland, NJ, of the 2.5"
of snow in her backyard. This makes me yearn for the good
old days day when some grown-up would condescendingly
say, "Don't you have anything else to do with your time?" 

Now, having directly lived the nightmare of Hurricane Sandy since October 29, I am still compelled to ask the following the question:

When did we as a country become such wusses?
I thought about this while I drove to work on this typically crappy March morning and here are the possible answers I came up with:
  • Since we started electing a dad to be president and take care of us
  • Since we started relying on Facebook kitty pictures to help us get through another day in our otherwise miserable and unremarkable lives
  • Since we started leaving our televisions on 24 hours a day just in case we miss some breaking news like Mike Seidel making a snowball in Maryland
  • Since we all got digital cameras and started thinking we're all junior Jimmy Olsons
  • Since we started being our kids' BFFL's
  • Since we forgot to grow the @#$% up
Anyway, it's March and the weather is crappy, get over it and have a nice day.

* - However ironic it may be, God would not say 'Hell.' 

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