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Thursday, March 21, 2013

A Reality-Based Public Service: People We Should Be Making Fun Of

Note: My editor, whom I trust implicitly, has mentioned that maybe I've been a little, you know, long winded lately, it's not that I'm saying your stuff isn't good, it's just, you know, looooong. So, in the spirit of brevity, which is after all the soul of wit, I have decided to keep this short.


I'm bored with America. You people are too stuffy and self-important. You're practically European for crying out loud. Seriously, lighten up. Having a sense of humor is what's gotten me through this miserable existence to this point and now all of sudden I'm supposed to take every whining adult with a dirty diaper seriously?

No. Not gonna happen.

Here's a list of people I think should be made fun of:
  1. Politicians
  2. Liberals
  3. Democrats
  4. Almost all Republicans
  5. Conservative yahoos
  6. Religious fanatics
  7. Super Moms and Super Dads
  8. People who tell you their problems even if you ask them too
  9. Anyone under 35
  10. Anyone older than me
  11. Toupees
  12. People with opinions who think it's okay to share
  13. People who drive Smartcars, Subarus or those silly little hybrids (especially if they have an Obama sticker)
  14. Everyone in the entertainment industry
  15. People who insist you accept them as they are, as if being public about your sex life, substance intake or issues with your dad is something I actually frigging care about. Maybe if you quieted down a little I'd be able to accept you for the human you present yourself to me as

If you think making fun of people is bad, I will add you to this list. There is a difference between being cruel and making fun of people and if you don't know the difference I will also add you to the list. There are times when it is necessary to make fun of people, the problem is no one actually has the cajones to publicly do it anymore. That's where I come in.

Society has stopped evolving because people are afraid to judge or make fun of the dolts who make up society. I have evolved into the classy, fun-loving and brilliant thinker I am today because people made fun of me when I was younger. This toughened me up and made me work harder to be better than they were. Make fun of me? I'll show you, you rat bastards. There are times in your life you deserved to be made fun of, and if you were unlucky enough to be surrounded only by people who didn't want to hurt your feelings, you are a lesser person for it.

An example of when I didn't deserve to be made fun of:
During an assembly I told someone I liked this girl named Annette. The word quickly spread four rows up to Annette who then summarily turned around and gave me the finger, in front of 300 7th graders.
An example of when I did deserve to be made fun of:
Several months later we were outside at lunch and I split my brand new pants, pretty much from stem to stern.
Seventh grade was a tough year.


If you take yourself too seriously you and no one is there to make fun of you to get you back to normal, you will become this guy:

Don't be like this guy. Lighten the @#$#% up.
If he had been made fun of he might not be under arrest.
Picture: NY Daily News

You see, the problem is, if no one makes fun of you when you're young and everyone just thinks you're awesome, you eventually turn into this guy:

And by "this guy" I don't mean the two guys on either
side of the Butt of Our National Joke.

Whether you like it or not, gender plays a role in who we are. And trust me, if you think girls like you because you're almost exactly like them, you're wrong. You can't be emo all your life and expect not to be made fun of:

And you think the way you dressed in 1985
is embarassing.

Sometimes if you are not taught properly about tradition, and the roles we necessarily take on as adults, you end up looking like this guy:

Don't be this guy. Take a summer job mowing lawns or doing roofing
or something.
There are far too many men in the world who think they are all that when in fact they aren't. It's a national scourge. Luckily, a German automobile manufacturer has stepped up and pointed this out to America:



Do we really want our national children to be constantly exposed to the adults we are raising? I think not.


In case you are confused, here is a list of people you should not make fun of:
  1. People who have no control over their situation
  2. People who have no control over the thing you are about to make fun of them for (except if you're in 7th grade and some smartass kid splits his pants -- that's frigging hysterical)

After that, you're pretty much okay to make fun of whomever you choose. Go forward America! Find your sense of humor again. Lighten up. Don't be cruel, but have at it: There are plenty of people out there who should be made fun of, in fact, they need to be made fun of. Don't think of it as comedy, think of it as a way to help those who refuse to help themselves.

Let's once again make it a civic duty to make fun of those who need it.

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