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Thursday, February 21, 2013

Using Data Collected Before She Started, Michelle Obama Ends Childhood Obesity With Just A Few Jumping Jacks

Luckily, kids in America aren't fat anymore.

Hey! Norman! Put down that Klondike
Bar! I'm trying to save the world here!
Never again am I going to have to wait fifteen minutes for some little chubby kid to waddle out in the street to fetch the Kaiser roll he was playing with while rushing home to eat my Big Mac before it gets cold.

Sears will no longer need to stock "husky" sizes in its children's clothing department.

Hungry Hungry Hippo will once again be just a fun childhood game instead of an elementary school lunch-line taunt.

We have Michelle Obama to thank for this.

Here is a statement from the White House trumpeting Mrs. Obama's fabulous "Let's Move" program that has ended the national crisis of childhood obesity, while at the same time making sporty do's with girlish bangs de rigueur for Lefty fashionistas everywhere:

Mrs. Obama launched Let’s Move! on February 9, 2010 to unite the country around our kids’ health and create real support for families to live healthier lives.  Since then parents, business leaders, educators, elected officials, military leaders, chefs, physicians, athletes, childcare providers, community and faith leaders and kids themselves have stepped up to improve the health of our nation’s children. 
Thanks to these efforts, families now have access to more information to make healthier decisions for their children. Young people now have more opportunities for physical activity in their communities. Food in schools has been dramatically improved. More Americans now have access to healthy, affordable food closer to home. And the national childhood obesity rate has leveled off, and even declined in some cities and states.
Please note: The snarky red highlights of the extremely insulting words specifically inserted to excite Democrats and Leftist dingbats everwhere are mine, not the White House's.


ALL OF THIS IN ONLY THREE YEARS!!!



Don't call me Norman...


Except Of Course the Data They Are Using Is From Before the Let's Move Program Started

If Laura Bush had thought of this instead of worrying about childhood literacy, (studies show that 103% of all children who were children during the Bush years are either incoherent or illiterate), all of the fat kids would have been sporting skinny jeans while emo was still cool.

Now that we've heard the spin for the low-information voters, let's look at some facts from a JAMA report dated December 26, 2012:
  •  The prevalence of extreme obesity:
    o From 2003 through 2010, decreased slightly from 2.22% to 2.07%
    o From 1998 through 2003, increased from 1.75% to 2.22%

  •  The prevalence of obesity:
    o From 2003 through 2010, decreased slightly from 15.21% to 14.94%
    o From 1998 through 2003, increased from 13.05% to 15.21%
This tells us that kids were so worried about Bush being president that they lost weight, and that kids during Bill Clinton's time in office were eating double-Whoppers (just like Bill) and wondering exactly what blue dresses had to do with the stork bringing babies to their moms.

It also tells us that the White House is lying to us when they assert that they've fixed obesity because Michelle Obama did a few jumping jacks.

  • The prevalence of extreme obesity from 2003 through 2010 decreased in all groups except American Indians/Alaska Natives; and the greatest decreases were among Asian/Pacific Islander children.
This tells us that Michelle Obama doesn't care about fat kids on reservations or in Sarah Palin's home state.

  •  From 2003 through 2010, the prevalence of extreme obesity decreased among low-income children aged 2 years, 3 years, and 4 years; the greatest decrease was among 2-year-olds.
This tells us that, according to the White House, a whole bunch of chubby two-year-olds saw Michelle and changed their eating habits even before they were born, or something.

  • Hispanic boys, aged 2 to 19 years,were significantly more likely to be obese than non-Hispanic white boys, and non-Hispanic black girls were significantly more likely to be obese than non-Hispanic white girls. 
This tells us that Michelle Obama doesn't like fat Hispanic kids and non-Hispanic black girls, which blows my mind because as far as I know Barack Obama is the only politician to ever do anything nice for Hispanic people, and well, damn, if Barack had a daughter she'd look like Michelle.

It also blows my mind because the data was taken during the George Bush presidency, but unlike Bush's terminal destruction of the economy, the ending of the obesity scourge in this country is Michelle's doing, even though she was still just a disbarred lawyer in Chicago when everyone suddenly got skinny.


The Point of This Piece In Case You Haven't Gotten It Yet

The data the White House is touting to congratulate Michelle Obama for her hard work was collected before Obama started her Let's Move campaign. The White House is using incorrect data under the assumption you are too stupid to understand it.

So what's worse, me making fun of chubby kids, or the White House using them to make themselves look like they've actually done something when in reality, they haven't?



* * *

Disclaimer at the Bottom: I like chubby people. They are generally jovial, enjoy a belly-laugh now and then, cook wonderfully, and I know if I walk behind them on a rope bridge over a raging river I'm okay as long as they are okay. That being said, I apologize without reserve to everyone I offended in this piece. Specifically:
  • overweight people
  • chubby people
  • people who are volume challenged
  • kids who waddle when they walk
  • Democrats
  • Hispanic boys who are mucho grande
  • black girls who are big for their sizes in spite of Barack Obama being the first almost completely black president
  • low-information voters for pointing out that they are in fact stupid, not just poorly informed
  • people who lost weight during the Bush years but couldn't take credit for it until Michelle made it cool to be skinny
  • hungry, hungry, hippos 
  • two year olds, not because they are fat but because this piece will obviously insult their collective intelligences
  • American Indians and people from Alaska
  • disbarred lawyers from Chicago
  • emo lovers in skinny jeans
However, when you people all stop just accepting the complete and utter bullshit that dribbles out of the White House like ice cream from the soft-serve machine at a Dairy Queen in El Paso, Texas on a July night, then I will stop making fun of you.

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