- Stop watching Fox News
- Watch something other than Fox News
- Turn off Fox News
As a public service to my detractors I have asked the art department to come up with an easy-to-read graph illustrating where I get my news from:
Being the firm believer in equal time that I am, I also had the art department put together this handy pie chart illustrating where liberals get their news:
In other news a meteorite hit Russia today, injuring dozens and scaring the crap out of hundreds more.
In still other news, an asteroid is going to fly very close to the earth today. Science people are excited, regular people just want to go out for Margaritas and Appletinis after work, and news anchors are visibily shaken, even more so than they were about the cruise ship that drifted aimlessly for three months in the Gulf of Mexico after being hit by a Japanese torpedo or was capsized by an angry blue whale or something (I'm not real sure of the details, the news department hasn't gotten back to me yet).
But what I do know is that CNN hires anchors who believe that asteroids are drawn to the Earth because the Earth is getting so damned hot due to Global Warming or Climate Change or something.
To try to replicate CNN anchor Deb Feyerick's assertion that asteroids are drawn to the Earth because the Earth is so damned hot now thanks to Al Gore pointing it out to us, and in honor of the new Dark Age our intelligentsia has drawn us into, I did some experimenting about this.
Thesis: Hot things attract less-hot things
Experiment: I baked a potato in the microwave for 8 minutes then put it on a plate. On the same plate, but way on the other side, I put a half-dozen pieces of chopped up scallions.
Expected Result According to CNN Anchor Deb Feyerick: The scallions will be pulled by the heat of the potato saving me the trouble of spooning them on the potato myself.
Result: Nothing happened.
Thesis: Hot things repel not-hot things
Experiment: I stood next to a hot chick at Starbuck's this morning while waiting for my Grande Caffe Misto.
Expected Result According to CNN Anchor Deb Feyerick: The hot chick will be repulsed by my cold and indifferent attitude toward her.
Result: Thesis partially proved, as this result may have occurred because I am so frigging old and I was wearing a Cheap Trick tee-shirt with dried doughnut sprinkles on it. (Disclaimer about this experiment: Those of you worried that my wife may be upset by this experiment can relax, she doesn't read this blog so much under the theory that she has to listen to me actually spout this non-sense in person, so having to read it as well is just too much for her to bear.)
The results of my experiments are at best inconclusive, so like all good liberals everywhere, if CNN says it's true, then it must be so: