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Monday, November 19, 2012

I'm Too Busy Being Pissed Because I Have To Work To Be Thankful For Anything, Or, Attention K-Mart Shoppers! Happy Thanksgiving! Now Buy Something!

There's more to Thanksgiving than giant helium-filled fast food clowns
with 20 foot wedgies. Or is there?
(Photo: asterix611
I love Thanksgiving. I also love the day before Thanksgiving because its the eve of the entire holiday season. I like Thanksgiving morning because of the horrendous, sappy Macy's parade and the anticipation of everyone being of relatively good cheer at dinner time. I love Thanksgiving dinner and watching the Detroit Lions lose. I also love around six o'clock on Thanksgiving evening when everyone goes home (we hardly ever get invited to other people's houses for Thanksgiving, this year being a rare exception). At 6:30, I pretend I'm really tired even though my Thanksgiving chores pretty much only consist of doing the dishes and being nice to people. Come to think of it, Thanksgiving is exhausting. My wife also does a lot of work for Thanksgiving and watching her do all of that work wears me out too. Thank God America had the foresight to make the Friday after Thanksgiving a holiday so we can rest up for Saturday!

The AP keeps pictures of turkey's doing stupid things to
Obama locked away on a flash drive in a safe house in
Luckily I usually get the Friday after Thanksgiving off. That wasn't always true though. Back when America made a lot of money making high-tech things for the rest of the world I always had to work on the Friday after Thanksgiving. I could have easily taken the Friday after Thanksgiving off, but then I wouldn't have gotten paid. I like getting paid, so I worked.

Years ago, retailers loved the day after Thanksgiving. They called it Black Friday I think because that was the day they made a lot of money and had to deal with customers, and somehow they found that annoying. I'm not sure.

However, over the past twenty years, the Friday after Thanksgiving has morphed in BLACK FRIDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now, the idiot corporate media loves to show the idiot news consumers at home pictures of the idiot shopping class storming stores and hurting people on BLACK FRIDAY!!!!!!!!!!!! We all think this is normal. This year there is a new twist to BLACK FRIDAY!!!!!!!!!!!! Now that everyone is broke because capitalism is bad and socialism is good, store owners are trying to come up with ways to compete for the few dollars the American consumer (idiots and non-idiots alike) have left. When a store is in the business of selling television sets at a 3% margin they have to sell an awful lot of televisions to stay in business. Can you blame them for trying to get an edge on their competition? The edge some of them have thought of is to open on Thanksgiving night.

When I was a young person one of three things happened on Thanksgiving night:
  1. You ate a turkey sandwich with stuffing and cranberry sauce and then fell asleep with a stomach ache
  2. You threw up from having to eat two Thanksgiving meals because sometimes you have to do horrible things to yourself in order to keep the familial peace
  3. You went out to a bar and drank in an attempt to erase the horrible memories of another family gathering 

Now, in the post-modern United States, apparently everyone goes to Target to buy cheap imported Chinese crap to give to family and friends on Christmas Day. At least this is what my television is telling me.

Baby for dinner and a crazy eye.
Now THAT's Thanksgiving!
This has made some people unhappy. Typically the unhappy ones are the employees of Target, Sears, Wal-Mart and whatever other store is now opening for business on Thanksgiving night. There is a lot of whining going on about people having to leave their families on this most special of nights. (see Items 1-3 above)

I don't feel bad for people who have to work on holidays after the "holiday" part of the holiday has passed. I don't see cops whining because they have to work on Thanksgiving, although I am sure I've gotten a few holiday speeding tickets as a result of some police officer's unhappiness with the holiday schedule. And how about those nurses in hospitals who work and don't take their unhappiness out on your catheter?

No one ever felt bad for me when I had to work on holidays. Back in the aforementioned day when America actually made money, I worked all or part of every day from the first Saturday in December 1984 to the week after Easter Sunday in 1985. Sometimes you have to do what you have to do to feed your family, or put gas in your car so you can go to a bar and drown your sorrows in Wild Turkey. (Note gratuitous Thanksgiving reference)

We are once again proving we have become a nation of whiners.

Personally, I can't be arsed to go shopping on Thanksgiving night. This is because I don't actually start my Christmas shopping until December 21. My lovely wife and awesome daughter get up at like four o'clock on BLACK FRIDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! morning and go to Starbuck's or somewhere and then do some shopping or something. I'm not really sure because I'm still sleeping. They do this because its fun, and very rarely do they actually come home with any gifts for me.

But, this is not about me, or my desire for a Rockwell Sonicrafter featuring Hyperlock and Universal Fit. People closely related to me may want to watch the super-educational video I have included below for your convenience:

This is about all of you poor bastards who have to somehow find a way to counter-act all the triptophan you're going to ingest at three o'clock so you can escape your parent's house at eight o'clock to go to work at Best Buy.

Because I care, I've put together a short list of things you may want to consider so this doesn't happen to you on a regular basis.

  1. Get another job
  2. Go to school and learn a skill that is in current economic demand so you can get another job
  3. Vote for a government that actually wants you to succeed on your own by allowing American businesses to thrive in the manufacturing and engineering sectors, so you can get another job
  4. Move to Canada where they celebrate Thanksgiving in like October which is way before regular people start their Christmas shopping
  5. Work hard and become the boss at Wal-Mart so you can make the schedule
  6. Stop whining and understand that just because something is happening today doesn't mean it's going to happen to you for the rest of your life
  7. Be thankful you have a job (I know, I'm old -fashioned that way)

You just spent the last year complaining about your parents and now you're complaining because you can't spend more time with them on Thanksgiving night? I'm beginning to think you just like to complain.

But, Happy Thanksgiving anyway, and don't bitch at me Thursday night, I'll be sleeping.

SPECIAL NOTE TO MY FAMILY: If more than one person wants to buy me something this year, this would also not be a bad idea:

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