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Wednesday, October 24, 2012

The World Wants Obama! One More Reason I'm Not Going To Vote For Him.

WARNING: This piece is entirely insulting to pretty much everyone, and I mean on a world-wide scale, not just to the people I insult on a regular basis. By continuing to read this column you forfeit the right to contact me and type mean things to me with that silly foreign accent of yours.

I like the world, well, some of it anyway. I've been to a lot of places, but I haven't spoken to a lot of people in it. There's two reasons for that:

  1. I really don't like people all that much
  2. I only speak English, in spite of four years of Spanish in high school (but my World War II German U-boat commander accent is phenomenal thanks to my brother Dave)
I don't pay a lot of attention to the world, but I learned from it today that Mitt Romney is going to blow it up. That would suck, because I live here. 

I also learned that the rest of the world is supporting Barack Obama for re-election and that we here in the US should listen to the nattering international nabobs who are afraid of Romney and vote for Obama to protect the world from, well, us, I think. This led me to a poll by the BBC, which when it is not starring in Austin Powers movies or airing dreadful Gordon Ramsay reruns, apparently travels the world in a quest to influence our politics. Now granted, the BBC didn't have the resources to poll every country in the world, (hence the interesting omission of countries like Israel and Saudi Arabia) but the conclusion the BBC desperately wants America to come to is that the world wants Obama! And hell, we all know that once it's in a poll it's as accurate as Wikipedia! I have another opinion: maybe the rest of the world is still under the impression Barack Obama is not a weak, feckless, miserable failure of a leader, but that seems unlikely.

Let's look at the poll and see if we can figure out why we Americans are so pitifully out of step with the rest of the world because we want to elect someone with some qualifications to lead after our silly four year dalliance with ineptitude:
  • Kenya backs Obama 68% to 18%. This is a surprise to anyone? Seriously? The 18% who support Romney are probably Obama's half-siblings
  • Okay, Poland is a bit of a surprise, which makes me question the accuracy of this poll considering that Polish President Bronislaw Komorowski claimed that Obama's reneging on a deal with Poland and the Czech Republic over the ballistic missile shield amounted to a "betrayal" of the two countries
  • Pakistan wants Romney to win, probably because Obama is bombing the snot of the countryside with drones
  • Malaysia goes Obama! Of course, the weak dollar is a boon to Malaysia, but whatever
  • Surprisingly Nigeria is supporting Obama, of course drone strikes are still rare there (Leftists: this line is an example of sarcasm)
  • Panama is for Obama probably because of bad memories of Teddy Roosevelt, but if it wasn't for the canal we gave them, Panama would only be known for its hats
  • Canada supports Obama because our friends north of the border finally feel like equals now that America sucks, and as long as Obamacare is in effect their own disaster of a health care system is off the hook
  • South Korea. One word: An Improved US economy under Romney will threaten Hyundai's share of the US auto market. But if I was South Korea and North Korea was just north of me, I would support a guy who actually had some testicular fortitude when it came to people who wanted to kill me
  • Turkey. This is a no-brainer because an Obama second term finally gives Turkey a chance to dominate NATO
  • Japan. See South Korea
  • China. I read that China was rooting for Obama even though Romney had shipped "hundreds" of jobs to China. "Hundreds" of Chinese workers fall into storm drains every day and no one notices. Actually, China is rooting for Obama because they've been able to under value their currency for fours years without a peep from Obama. To the Chinese it's called: 
Not to hit you with a mallet or anything,
but this is the Chinese symbol for "winning."
  • Germany, not surprising upon a second look. I mean who wouldn't want to overtake the economy of the last super-power 65 years after you got your ass kicked by it? The German sense-of-humor is second to none. Sometimes
  • The UK is squarely in Obama's corner, not because of Socialism or anything, but the insult tossed at the Queen by gifting her an iPod loaded with his speeches mollified the anti-Monarchists and the rest of the country is just happy to have Winston Churchill's bust back where it belongs instead of the place of honor it had been occupying in the White House
  • Mexico. This is a big surprise, because unlike Canada, the better the US economy does, the better the Mexican economy does. And anyway, most Mexicans probably didn't hear about the 300+ Mexican citizens who were killed under the Fast & Furious program. Plus there's an open invitation to every Mexican citizen to join the Democrat Party--as long as they can get here, so that's probably a good reason to support Obama
  • Australia? Really, Australia, but then again you gave us Men At Work and Outback Steakhouse, both of which seemed like good ideas at first, until you got to know them a little better
  • Brazil. Right, Brazil has taken control of its economy and energy needs, so all it needs now is for America to continue its death spiral so the world can welcome the newest major economic power to the game. I hope all these people who answered this poll aren't too embarrassed to samba in their  thongs in public
  • Peru. I don't know much about Peru, but I did hire some painters once who told me how they came from Peru to America to work because back home their bosses would have them beaten when they asked for their pay. I don't know what this has to do with anything, but it's all I've got
  • Indonesia. Obama grew up there for crying out loud. He's a local hero, so unless he was a real jerk as a kid I'd expect them to favor him over Romney
  • France. Seriously, France gets to have a say? I would think other countries would first ask how France answered and then answer the opposite way, but then again, what the hell do I know? France is in such bad shape all of its rich people are considering moving to England, so go figure
  • Spain likes Obama too! Which is not surprising considering that they only lasted as an economic force for about 30 years after Franco died and now they're looking to Greece for economic answers

As I look at these poll results, one thought crosses my mind: who cares? America did fine (and so did a lot of the world I might add) when America went about its business without listening to what everybody else told us we should be doing. Why should we as a country bend our will to the opinions of  former colonists and imperialists, or countries who have it in their best interests for the US to fail? That sounds like pretty irrational reasoning to me.

Some of you might say, "wow Jack, xenophobic much?" Other's might say, "wow Jack, you're like the uber-ugly American." The rest of you might say, "Listen Jack, people like you are the reason the world doesn't like America," while you compare me to a Borat character because that's where you learned everything you know about America.

To all of you I repeat, who cares? Most Americans, and pretty much everybody else, wake up in the morning and give thanks that America even exists. Sure we're not perfect some times, but with the possible exception of France, what country really is? If people think Mitt Romney is going to engulf the world in the flames of war, then they're obviously not paying attention: Not to the words Romney speaks himself without the distortion of the media's filter, and not to the drones that Obama has programmed with his kill list. Seriously people, you've got to get a grip.

The world does way better when America's economy is strong but America's economy is going to continue to falter as long as Barack Obama sits in the White House trying to figure out his next move in a manner not dissimilar from the way a squirrel crosses the street at rush hour. So you have to ask yourself what the motivations of the BBC and the people behind this poll were. Also, what was the sample? The BBC says it was 21,797 people, but what was the break down by country, wealth, political affiliation, age, sex, etc.? When were people contacted and what were they asked? Grown ups have to ask these questions in order to make educated decisions about the political decisions they make.

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