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Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Being Old and Male and White, I Had A Hard Time Finding a Barack Obama Campaign Group That Would Have Me

So you don't have to, I peruse the official Barack Obama 2012 campaign website from time-to-time, mostly just to find out what silly things the Obama people are asking their fervent supporters to do to help keep Obama and the fam in the White House.
Being a libertarian, I sometimes feel jealous and a little left out. After all, who doesn't want to belong to a group of likeminded people who look at life through the same narrow, myopic lens as you?
Whilst I was perusing the aforementioned site I came across the groups page with the following header splashed across the top:
Needless to say, I was intrigued and wanted to see where I might fit in:
  1. African-Americans Even though my first non-third-grade-teacher crush was Gladys Knight, I'm pretty white. I'm sorry for all Americans that the President of the United States views people through the lens of race first, in spite of his campaign promises to be the first "post-racial president," but he does Conclusion: I can't jump
  2. Asian-American and Pacific-Islanders I was a bit flummoxed by this one at first. Then I remembered Obama is at times, a native of Hawaii, and then of course at other times he is a native of Indonesia. Conclusion: In spite of my fondness for pineapple and sushi I can't join this group
  3. Educators I am not an educator, although I do support educators, especially my third grade teacher Mrs. Bobick, but that's mostly because she was awesome! I do not support my fifth grade teacher who's actual, real, name was Shirley Leadbeater (I shouldn't have to explain why I don't support her). I am also vehemently opposed to public-sector labor unions and I think the NEA has destroyed more good teachers and students than they've supported. Conclusion: This group wouldn't have me
  4. Environmentalists I support the Nature Conservancy and have for years -- ever since my incredibly dumb and socialist second year college Poli Sci professor told me I was "not very bright for supporting that group as all they do is buy property." I also think Global Warming is a hoax, plain and simple, and I think people who support the hoax are nothing more than Communists in Socialist's clothing. I also think the EPA should be stripped of its non-Congressional regulatory powers. Conclusion: This group would hit me with a badger if I tried to join
  5. Jewish-Americans Although I swear in Yiddish frequently, I am a goyim. What's interesting to me is Barack Obama's apparent disdain for Israel and the fact that in four years he hasn't once visited our strongest ally in the region. Then there's that whole messy bit where he complained about having to deal with Netanyahu. Oh yeah, and the whole refusal to call Jerusalem the capital of Israel, lest Israel's enemies be offended. Frankly, I find it hard to believe that a non-anti-Zionist person of the Jewish faith would support Obama. Conclusion: Goyim, right out
  6. Latinos Again, even though I am fond of many varieties of food and drink from various Latin and Hispanic places, I am a gringo. However, I'm surprised the Latino community still thinks Obama has done anything for them other than make their chances for success in this country slimmer. The whole illegal immigration thing is a sham both parties use to their advantage when it's convenient, so don't bother me with that tripe. Conclusion: Gringos need not apply
  7. LGBT Americans Although the football players in high school called me names that made me occasionally wonder, I'm boring and straight. I witnessed up close the shame being a homosexual brought to a person I love because they didn't free to be who they were. Then there's the whole libertarian point-of-view on things, but those of you who fit into this category keep in mind: Obama was against same-sex marriage until June when Joe Biden forced his hand to come out in favor of it. The President has done absolutely nothing more than pay you lip service. Conclusion: I kind of would rather watch women's diving than men's so I disincluded from this group too
  8. Native-Americans No jokes here. Barack Obama has continued a 150 year tradition of treating Native Americans as sub-human and anyone who would say otherwise should be ashamed of themselves. For him to pander to this group is shameful considering the realities of rez life
  9. Nurses I am not a nurse -- I get pukey just thinking about certain things. But why are nurses a special group in Obama's eyes? Is it because doctors are always mean to them? This is just silly and pandering. Conclusion: I think most people are gross, so hats off to nurses and sorry I can't join your group
  10. Parents Aaaaaaaaaa Ha!!!!! I'm a parent! But I wouldn't be caught dead supporting a man who has done so much to make the future for my kids so bleak. Conclusion: Even though I could actually join this group I'm not that dumb
  11. People of Faith Which faith? The one that doesn't want to pay for people's birth control against their own tenets? Conclusion: I have faith, just not in crooked politicians, plus I refuse to belong to a church so religious people won't have me
  12. People With Disabilities Really? What has Obama done for this group? George HW Bush signed the ADA while Obama likened his bowling score to being almost good enough for the Special Olympics. Conclusion: I am blessed I am not in this group, and I am also offended that Obama panders to it
  13. Rural Americans Which ones? The ones who cling to their guns and Bibles? Or the ones who are losing their jobs in the coal mines left and right? Conclusion: I live in suburbia
  14. Seniors I'm old but I'm not that old. and to be honest with you, I'm a little tired of "seniors' expecting to never have to give up anything while the rest of us go broke. There I said it. Deal with. Conclusion: Now that I am a proven ageist, I'll never get into the home my kids want me in
  15. Small Business Owners I was a small business owner until 2008, but as far as small business owners supporting Obama? Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Ha! Conclusion: I used to be in this group, unfortunately the Federal government has pretty much wiped it out
  16. Veterans & Military Families I did not serve, and I find it hard to believe that those who did would support President Obama's positions on national defense. Forget the war in Afghanistan he campaigned on ending and the fact that he pulled out of Iraq on Bush's timeline. Conclusion: Hats off to those who did what I did not do
  17. Women I am not woman and I am hardly ever in touch with my feminine side. I do however like women, except for those who purposefully try to make my life miserable like my ex-wife. Other than give them a lifetime of being dependent on the Federal government like their mascot Julia I don't really know how Obama has helped women, unless you, as a woman, define yourself by the free birth control Obama forced people to give you. Conclusion: Based on my dating record in high school, I am not welcome
  18. Young Americans I was young once, now I'm sort of in the middle. Luckily when I was young the worse thing people my age had to deal with was that other Democrat wunderkind Jimmy Carter. How you kids today are going to get through another four years of Obama escapes me. If you're looking for a future filled with high taxes and minimal earning potential, Obama is your man. Conclusion: Stay off of my lawn!

Obama promises Americans who don't pay a lot of
attention to reality a lifetime of unicorns and rainbows.
What he delivers is quite the opposite.
This photo was lifted from the site
No copyright infringement intended, but I needed
a picture of Obama riding a unicorn to make
my point.

So there you have it, eighteen ways to further divide the country. Granted I could join the group Parents for Obama but I actually like my kids so I'd rather join a group called Parents Who Put Some Effort Into Making A Better Future For their Kids. Oh wait, that group is called Adulthood. 

So after looking at Barack Obama's lame attempt to divide us from ourselves, I don't feel left out at all.


jonolan said...

I just now found this post. Please! Use the image with my worthless blessings.

I love your post. If I'd seen it when it was still relevant, I'd have linked back to it.

Jack Sharkey said...

Thank you!