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Thursday, May 31, 2012

Hey! Fatty! Put That Gigundo Soda Down!

New York City Mayor Nanny Michael Bloomberg has announced that he thinks he has the legal authority to keep all of us fatsos (even the skinny ones) from drinking giant-ass sodas and sugary drinks. Thanks to a couple of tubbies here and there, your right to drink whatever the hell you choose to drink is going to be taken away within the five boroughs of New York City.

I guess Michael Bloomberg is not pro-choice, even though he is a Democrat.

So, anyway, while Bloomberg is busy sticking his little tiny nose into your bidness, I have a few other suggestions I would like the Mayor Nanny to consider outlawing:
  1. Pizza. Seriously Mike, have you ever seen the size of some of those $5.00 slices you can get downtown? They're freakin' enormous. I eat one of those and I'm feeling it for like two days. Stop me!
  2. Buying Multiple Sodas. I'm a smart guy and figured I would outsmart you by just buying two or four 8oz sodas each day to satisfy my need for a giant-ass soda, so please save me from myself and make me register each soda I buy. It's the only way to go Mike. I need your help Mike. You care for me so much better than I do for myself. By the way, what the hell are we gonna do after you're gone and a Republican gets elected and let's us take care of ourselves?
  3. Hot Dogs From Street Vendors. I can't help myself. Every time I pass one of those horribly dirty dirt-water dog vendors I have to stop and eat one. My wife, bless her heart, tries and tries to keep me from eating them, but alas, she has not the power to keep me from my beloved wieners. You do, Mike. You do.
  4. Giant Disgusting Cold Pretzels Sold From Shopping Carts. Never mind Mike, this is a problem for Mayor Nutter in Philadelphia, so if he ever gets to the point in his city that you've gotten to in yours', you know, the point where all the problems have been solved except for fatties drinking soda, I'll send this down to him.
  5. Tourists. They're a giant pain-in-the-ass, Mike. Even though I don't live in the city, I used to work there so I'm actually like a local. Couldn't you tax them or limit them or something? Especially tourists from Europe and places like that. I hear them talking and I can't understand a word they say which always makes me think they're talking about me.
  6. People Who Enter A Building Using The Left Door. A long time pet peeve of mine, I figured I'd throw it in and take a chance that you'd care. I understand people will just be people and you can't control everything they do, but could you at least make a law that says people have to say 'thank you' when they think I'm opening the door for them when in reality I'm using the door to leave the building?
  7. Tchotkes. Years ago my brother hit my in the eye with a miniature Empire State Building and it hurt like hell. It also left a mark. If my parents hadn't bought that damned tchotke I would have been spared all that pain and humiliation. If you won't ban tchotkes maybe you should consider having Social Services accompany every family when they visit your fair city. Think of the children Mike. The children are the future.
  8. Pigeons. I hate those friggin' things. Stinking rats with wings. And they've got attitude too. Try walking up 5th Avenue above Central Park South, they don't move, the bastards. It's like they're daring you to get all up in their beaks or something. Help us, Mike, won't you?
  9. Crime. I know the soda ban is a start Mike, because now there will be fewer teenagers hopped on too much caffeine from 32oz Mountain Dews, but I just thought I might remind you there is still some crime here and there in the five boroughs. I mean, what people drink is far more important than say, a drive-by shooting that takes out an innocent twelve-year-old girl, but I think you're on the right track controlling the fatties first.
  10. Noise. I have very sensitive ears Mike, and let's face it, your city is pretty noisy. Have you ever heard one of those damned firetrucks racing to the scene of another false alarm? All sirens blaring and horns blasting with the volume turned all the way up. I get the jitters just thinking about it. How about "quiet zones" where everybody has to use their inside voices (and sirens)? Think about it.
  11. Urine-Soaked Subway Stations. In France back in the day (if your day was 1918), there used to be urinals on pretty much every street corner. You might want to consider this as a tidy way to keep the pee-stench at least contained to a small area. As it stands now, when visiting New York, from the time you get to Hoboken until you get back home it's like living in a pee-fest. But then again, now that people won't be drinking so much soda this problem should take care of itself. Never mind, Mike. Sorry to have distracted you from the important things.
Well, I have to go now, I had a 32oz Diet Pepsi (I watch my weight whenever possible) at lunch, and seriously, I have to go. Right now. So Mike, hopefully some of my suggestions will help you help make life an even cheerier and safer experience for everyone -- even the fat people who are forced to drink giant sodas because, well I don't exactly know why, but if you say people have no control over what they put in their bodies then it must be so. I mean after-all, you're the Mayor.

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