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Thursday, April 26, 2012

Official 2012 Obama Campaign Poster (Well, If It Isn't, It Should Be)

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Watch Me Prove How Our Governments Lie To Us About Tax Rates

Thanks to a leaky transfer case in my Government Motors Chevy Equinox I had reason to go to my local Aamco franchise (you know you did the 'beep-beep' part as you read this). It's located in a nearby town that has been designated by the forward-thinkers who run the State of New Jersey as an "Urban Enterprise Zone."

In New Jersey, UEZ's are located in blighted or otherwise struggling urban areas. Basically, a UEZ means we the people who patronize businesses within the zone only pay a 3.5% sales tax rate, as opposed to the obscene 7% rate we pay in areas that aren't falling apart.

Lest you think I am being trollish, I think UEZ's are a good thing. What UEZ's prove is what we all know but only half of us are intellectually capable of admitting: Low tax rates spur economic activity, which in turn increases the general state of wealth of all people, while at the same time increasing net tax revenues to the government.

Basically, UEZ's are the government's way of saying, "Look, we both know we're lying about that whole tax thing, but without truckloads of your money we can't give away things to make people vote for us so we don't have to go back to doing wills and divorces at our failing law practices." 

Speaking of obscene: Across the street from the transmission shop sits a little bodega that proudly sells NJ Lottery tickets. The government giveth and the government taketh awayeth.

We can't have a flat tax in this country because psuedo-intellectuals on both sides of the aisle whine about the flat tax being regressive. "Regressive" is policy wonk speak for "it hurts poor people." Meanwhile the state shoves an incredibly minuscule chance to win free money down the throats of the people who can least afford not to win free money. I had a neighbor in the early 90s who had three kids, a wife, no job and a foreclosure notice on the door. He took his food stamps to buy food and $150 of his unemployment check to buy lottery tickets in a desperate attempt to change his situation. (By the way, if you play the numbers with the boys down at the social club the state considers you a criminal.)

We all have stories like that, so the next time some dope whines about regressive taxes, remind them about the state-sponsored regressive tax called the lottery, then call your governor and tell them you want a UEZ in your town.

When we finally get serious about prosperity we'll institute a flat tax. Until then, have fun playing Democrat vs. Republican parlor games while the country continues to kill itself.

For further help arguing with people, I have included a short list of other "regressive" taxes:
  • Fuel taxes (gasoline and home heating oil)
  • Sales taxes (even UEZ taxes)
  • Tolls
  • Cigarette and other "sin" taxes

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

HEY! Losers! Get Out of the Left Lane! The NJ State Police and Brandon Jacobs Are On Their Way To AC!

WARNING: Before reading, you must agree that you will not complain to me about my issues with law enforcement officers, but that you will complain to the abusers of the public trust instead. A society that turns a blind eye to the excessive and abuses of the people charged with protecting itself is a society merrily whistling down the road to hell.

On April 12, 2007 Governor Jon Corzine (who after leaving office lost like a billion dollars of people's money but won't face charges because he "simply doesn't know what happened to it") was speeding northbound on the Garden State Parkway to get to a meeting between the Rutgers women's basketball team and Don Imus. (For those of you who need a reminder, a few days before, radio-moron Don Imus had insulted them, and knowing a good PR opportunity when he saw one, Corzine was figuratively and literally racing at break-neck speed to insert himself into the story.)

Corzine didn't break a neck, but he did break a leg, his collarbone and twelve ribs after his SUV crashed. The driver of his vehicle, State Police Officer Robert Rasinski injured his back and claims long-term disability due to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. The other driver of Corzine's two-car convoy was not injured.

Immediately after the accident a State Police spokesman claimed speed was not a factor and blamed the accident on the driver of a red pick-up truck who, the State Police claimed, had pulled out in front of Corzine's law-abiding SUV. Unfortunately for the State Police and Governor Corzine, some honest police officers tracked down the driver of the red pick-up and determined that he was basically run off the road by the speeding governor, and was then forced to veer back into Corzine's path after nearly hitting another vehicle. Corzine's driver claimed he didn't know how fast he was going, but luckily the data recorder in the Governor's Chevy Suburban helped him remember that he was doing 91 MPH (in a 65 MPH zone).

"Who cares?" you say, "New Jersey is the most corrupt state in the world, and the rest of the world hates you and your Snookiepeople. So what the governor and State Police flaunt their disregard for the health and safety of normal, stupid, moron-citizens like you? Plus, that's old news and Corzine did in fact turn out to be the crook you said he was in 2007. Stop gloating."

Except I'd rather not get killed or have to identify the body of a loved one so State Troopers can get their rocks off escorting Jon Corzine to a meeting between a college basketball team and a disk jockey. There is a mentality among some of our State Troopers that the Garden State Parkway (among others) is their personal playground and that they are indeed above the law -- including the laws of physics. (Prediction: Watch how the Troopers don't slow down in the wake of this story, watch how the number of speeding tickets issued goes up.)

According to the Star-Ledger, on the afternoon of  March 30, 2012, "two patrol cars with flashing emergency lights led and trailed the southbound caravan down the Garden State Parkway. Witnesses said the caravan included 25 to 30 Porsches, Lamborghinis, Ferraris and other vehicles, all with their license plates covered with tape." (Emphasis added by me.)

Ex-New York Giant Brandon Jacobs was allegedly part of the caravan, but according to his agent was unaware of any details of the police escort. I realize that most people in this state will think this is a non-problem now that they know Brandon Jacobs was part of it. He was a New York Football Giant for crying out loud! Gotta love the G-Men -- they are Super Bowl winners!

Witnesses filed complaints with the NJ Turnpike Authority, which runs the Parkway, claiming among other things that the speeding caravan nearly forced an elderly driver into a ditch as she panicked trying to avoid the special people on their way to Atlantic City. Witnesses also report the caravan passed several other motorists who were at the time being issued summons by other State Troopers, so knowledge of the caravan within the force has to be assumed.

If you can handle 14 minutes of listening to them, watch the video of a couple of kids who decided to join the caravan as it intimidated regular, law-abiding citizens on its little high-speed rally to Atlantic City. Don't complain to me about the language.

Especially if you live in New Jersey, you've nearly been run off the road by State Troopers -- lights off -- coming up on you out of nowhere (and I am an unrehabilitated speeder, so to tailgate me from out of nowhere is a testament to your high-rate of  speed). The Parkway and Turnpike are also well known free-speed zones for municipal cops, municipal employees and state agency employees. I once paced with a Trenton police officer at 1:00 AM on Interstate 195 from Trenton to my home town at an average speed of 90 MPH. Hell, if he has the right to get home from work in a hurry, so do I.

What's this all got to do with politics? Easy. This is symptomatic of the hubris and arrogance of our public employees as they flaunt their disrespect and disregard for the very citizens they are charged with serving. Am I indicting all State Troopers? Don't be so simple. I've been pulled over by plenty of Troopers who were beyond decent to me, I've also been pulled over by Troopers who treated me like I was a dog in Saudi Arabia. There are good and bad in every profession, but ignoring the bad because you admire the good is foolish.

The simple fact is this: the behavior of our State Police on our freeways and toll-roads is well-known by anyone who drives in this state. It's hard to respect a uniformed officer when they ridicule you by flaunting their authority over you at 90 MPH on a regular basis. When cops act like outlaws, how can you expect dopey teenagers in Mitsubishi's to even contemplate acting responsibly?

Our illustrious, Goodfella, Jersey-guy Governor called it a "dumb thing to do," and added he would allow the Attorney General to probe the matter without his interference.

Governor, your schtick is wearing thin. You make matters worse by light-heartedly making fun of the stupidity of the State Troopers without communicating your outrage at the wanton disregard for the safety of people driving on the Parkway that day. I also wouldn't mind if you took the side of the regular Joe you so tediously profess to be by denouncing the blatant disrespect the Troopers show the citizens of New Jersey when they drive like the rules don't apply to them. But we know you won't denounce their stupidity because you rely on their high-speed escorts to get you to your kids' ballgames on time.

But that's just me, I don't get high-speed escorts, I just get tickets for doing what some of our State Troopers feel is their birthright to do.

Monday, April 23, 2012

Trolls Have Feelings Too

In my personal life I hardly ever argue with anyone. Occasionally I'll have words with one of my dogs when I can't find my shoes in the morning, and of course the paperboy's car needs a muffler, so I'm up every morning at 5:00 AM cursing at him. But these are less arguments and more the rantings of an otherwise peaceful and nice person. I don't like to call people names -- in spite of my exhortations last week to ridicule Democrats -- but I don't like to be hornswaggled by BS either.

I have two liberal friends. They don't like my politics, and I wish I could convince them that they are pursuing the wrong reforms. One I argue with regularly, but we remain good friends, and the other has decided that I am too far gone to discuss politics with without making himself crazy.

Everyone else gets really, really, upset with me. I think it's because I push their political buttons by pointing out the faults in their arguments. They just think I'm an @$$%^&*, or a troll, or a bunch of other things they wouldn't call me if they owed me money. *  

My public life as an unrespected and unknown political blogger is one long crawl through the political minefield of personal attack and vitriol the Left has planted over the past thirty years. I argue with people all the time. In fact, my master plan to ridicule Democrats comes from knowledge gained through experience that the only thing Democrats understand are personal attacks. Except for the two fine people mentioned previously, I've never once had an argument with a Democrat or Left Winger that hasn't ended up with me being called names that would hurt my mom's feelings.

Here's how a typical argument goes:

ME: I believe in truth, justice and the American way. I have a deep-seated distrust of people who think any form of government is anything more than an impediment by degrees to personal liberty. I also detest labor unions, especially public ones, and I think Obama isn't very good at his job, which is therefore making life difficult for everyone -- even members of his Cult of Personality.

ANONYMOUS HATER WITH UNDERDEVELOPED POLITICAL IDEAS: #$%^  &* troll. George Bush ruined the country.

ME: Okay, but I think all government is too big and has too much influence over our daily lives, and I worry about the future because I believe the children are the future.

AHWUPI: You're an $$%^&* you stupid idiot. George Bush ruined this country and Republicans like you are racists. You're such a loser troll.

ME: Okay, but I think the Federal government is too big and we're almost beyond the point where the electorate can control it with just our votes. I also think Barack Obama is a divisive politician who doesn't have the best interests of people outside of his constituency in mind.

AHWUPI: Shut up you moron. George Bush ruined this country and Barack Obama inherited the worst mess since the mess your parents inherited when you were born. Why don't you go @#$%  @#$%&&:-(  you piece of crap? (Ed. Note: An actual quote, as are almost all of these fine examples of Lib-think).

ME: But I believe in unicorns, and rainbows and puppies too, just like you. I just don't think any government bureaucrat or elected official is in the position to give them to me at a price I'm willing to pay. I'd rather pursue my own unicorns, rainbows and puppies. Government doesn't really do anything well and should stick to taking care of infrastructure and keeping the Commies out of the country.

AHWUPI: You racist conservative trolls are all alike. @#$%   ^&*$! Barack Obama is only trying to level the playing field because you rich white guys stole all of our money because of bankers and Wall Street. Big Oil wants to destroy the environment, plus, America made the climate get warm and snowboarding sucks until like February now.

ME: Doesn't the Constitution guarantee a level playing field?

AHWUPI: Racist @$$%^&*. What about slavery?

ME: Didn't we end slavery? I mean I understand this country has its blemishes and faults, but Jeeze Mareeze, we've come a long way, don't you think?

AHWUPI: America sucks and so do you. Barack Obama and the Democrats, now that they're finally in charge, are going to pay you @#$%^&*:-)ers back make everything fair, starting with the corporations and bankers. Capitalism sucks and so do you.

ME: We don't actually live in a capitalist society. We live in a federalist society with central planning, and taxation and regulation coming from an anonymous government that exists for its own sake.

AHWUPI: Tell the shrimp in the Gulf of Mexico we don't live in a capitalist society. BP capitalized their tiny little asses right into oblivion. Evil corporations, Wall Street, George Bush, you racist @#$%.

ME: That's fine, but I just think each individual can do a better job taking care of themselves and their families than a bureaucrat can.

AHWUPI: It's the same old story with you racist Right Wing lunatics. What about people who can't take care of themselves? The system is not fair. The government needs to protect us from evil corporations, Wall Street and George Bush. You're really an @$$$%^& aren't you? You just don't get it.

ME: Give me some facts. Show me some data that will prove we're heading in the right direction.

AHWUPI: National healthcare, foodstamps, the stimulus, Cash for Clunkers, unemployment, green energy.

ME: But I think those things show a negative trend.

AHWUPI:  That's because you're an @$$%^&*, you @$$%^^&*. #$%^ you @$$%&*:-(. You racist Right Wing lunatics are all the same. We're in a recovery from the greatest financial disaster ever!

ME: One point something growth and eight point something unemployment is not a recovery. Regulations are holding back businesses, tax rates are unfair, and the national debt is choking capital expansion. Wait until inflation kicks in.

AHWUPI: Rich people don't pay enough taxes, moron troll.

ME: We could confiscate all the assets of every rich person in the country and our problems wouldn't change.

AHWUPI: Warren Buffett's secretary.

ME: Makes like $250,000 a year. You're kidding me, right?

AHWUPI: The government needs to level the playing field.

ME: But you have the White House and the Senate -- two-thirds of the government. Obama's gotten everything he's asked for. What's happening now can't possibly be George Bush's fault can it? And how are evil corporations and Wall Street keeping the economy from bouncing back?

AHWUPI:  George Bush.

ME: Excuse me.

AHWUPI: Evil Corporations. Rich people.

ME: Really?

AHWUPI: George Bush ruined this country and you are a troll, $$%  ^&@.

At that point I begin to feel sorry for the both of us. I feel sorry for the AHWUPI because he is setting himself up for a life of disappointment, and I feel sorry for myself because of the contusions the brick wall of ideology is causing my head as I pound it over and over again trying to help the AHWUPI live a better life.

If you believe, like me, that the children are the future, stop spending their money and stop restricting their access to the kind of freedom and prosperity they deserve -- even the kids you don't like very much. If you are a children and you are the future, take my advice, watch who you hitch your wagon to.

* - NOTE AT THE BOTTOM: Lest you think I am talking directly about you, I'm probably not - unless you've insulted me recently for insulting your entire belief system. I apologize for that, but somebody had to do it. Anyway, I'm blessed to have a growing audience wih over 16,000 new individual readers since January. I piss off a lot of people, but that's okay, I'll be fine -- thanks for asking. Chances are, if I've pissed you off, it's because deep down inside you know I'm right and that's killing you. That's okay though, you'll come around. Hopefully sooner rather than later.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Why Barack Obama Is the Perfect President For the Age We Are In

"There is scarcely a king (or would-be-king) in a hundred who would not, if he could, follow the example of Pharaoh—get first all the people’s money, then all their lands, and then make them and all their children slaves forever." — Thomas Jefferson

At a campaign event in Nashville, TN, on Tuesday, First Lady Michelle Obama fired up the Obama Faithful by saying, "We are so blessed to have him. We are so blessed. This president has brought us out of the dark and into the light."

Those words are chilling to me. Anytime a human being is exalted to the level of a god or God, my intellect tells me to turn and run as far away as possible. I feel sorry for another healthy adult who wears his love for a leader on a baseball cap, tee-shirt, bumper sticker, or in his heart. I feel sorry for them for they are a danger to themselves and to me. Half of the nation has put their trust, their hope, and their future, in the hands of a community organizer from Chicago.

But there is something else afoot.

The average person has become a slave to technology they scarcely understand. Cell phones, laptops, iPads, and every other item of "convenience" we have been conditioned into needing are all far more complicated to understand than the average American's education has prepared them for.

The Internet has done away with the need for hard research. Scholars spend years compiling facts in encyclopedias, but it's easier to Google what we need to know. Wikipedia comes up at the top of our returned search list and merrily we consider ourselves edified. The problem is, morons like me can write whatever they want about any subject, and the gullible multitudes will consume the misinformation like manna from heaven.

Religion has become the centerboard of hatred and mistrust in our everyday lives, fueled by misinformation, ignorance and a handful of madmen who usurp our major religions for their own perverted political purposes. "Obama is a Muslim," cry the Right Wing whackos. "Romney is a Mormon," reply the Left Wing whackos. Meanwhile, television advertisers foot the bill for the nightly assault on religion on the homes of the faithful. America used to be a country of free worship in the manner of the individual's choice. That national concession to freewill has been replaced by an ignorant state religion of blind atheism masked by false idol worship.

Science is kaput. Our national will to move ahead technologically has been replaced by that same strange state religion that insists on cradle-to-grave care for the electorate it counts on every November. Our primary schools no longer strive for scientific excellence, insisting instead on making sure no one ever loses a game of dodge ball. Our high schools are wastelands of parental indifference, tenured malfeasance and Nicki Minaj adulation. College is okay, as long as you don't try to attain a useful education at an institution that won't try to indoctrinate you first into the beliefs of the state religion.

Politics is only about what we can get right now, because the future is our children's problem -- we'll be dead by then. Politicians -- every last one of them -- have no concern for the welfare of the country. They want to win, and when they win they want to share in the spoils of victory. There are no leaders of integrity.

Gossip rules the day, while facts hurt our brains. And we think that's funny.

Parents stick their children in the back of the minivan and force their minds to digest the same Phineas and Ferb DVD over and over and over again. The world around them is scary, so our current Super Parents rely on the drivel produced by some creepy writer and animator in some far away office to protect their little brats. Plus, plugging the kids into some mindless DVD saves mom and dad from having to actually interact with the human beings they brought into the world in the first place.

We are told that everything will be just fine, as long as we follow the right man into Hell. Puppies, unicorns and rainbows will be the order of the day as long as we leave our freewill at the door before entering the voting booth.

Copyright 2009 Smart Girl Politics
We, my friends, are entering the American Dark Age. We are insulated from each other. We are afraid of each other. We are afraid of what we don't understand. We have no interest in putting any effort in to understanding anything that does not come easy to us. We no longer produce craftsmen in the arts -- industrial or fine. We flounder from one false political hope to another whilst we blame anyone with whom we disagree.

Barack Obama is the perfect president for an Age of Darkness. The light his wife insists he has brought us into is nothing more than the fading light of greatness politicians and leaders of his ilk have manipulated for their own gain since the dawn of the age of man.

It's time to exalt greatness borne of difficulty and hard work, and eschew and ridicule those among us who aspire to mediocrity.

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

It's Time To Start Ridiculing Democrats

I see a lot of angry Republicans out there. They should be angry. We have the most inept president in the history of the world outside of North Korea. A president who is being propped up by the utter nincompoops who run the Fifth Estate. A president who is supported by the takers of the nation. Yet the outcome of the election in November is still in doubt.

Are you people serious? If Weird Al Yankovic had a decent fiscal policy he could win against Obama. If I were to run against Obama the only people in the country who would campaign against me are my ex-wife and her family, but they all think child support should be paid until the child is collecting Social Security, so, yeah, we know who we'd be up against.

It's time, my fellow Americans who understand how the real world works, to stop being angry at the ruling class of Democrat morons. It's time to start ridiculing them for being the brainless, pedantic children they are. Why are all of you people who are not brainless zombie-Libs so afraid of offending the offensive amongst us? Screw them. They're ridiculous little bugs on the windscreen of American progress. Let them be ridiculed.

Here's a list:

  1. Barack Obama. He has no experience, no verifiable educational background, and the stupidity that dribbles out of his mouth on such a regular basis makes G.W. Bush look like Winston Churchill.
  2. Joe Biden. I have to explain to you why we should ridicule Joe Biden? Maybe I should be ridiculing you.
  3. Democrats In General. They practically pray to the alter of Barack Obama in spite of the obvious fact that Obama doesn't deserve the job of alderman in his corrupt hometown of Chicago and the second-best person they could find was Joe Biden.
  4. Democrats In General. They don't want you to have to show ID to vote and they have no problem that Sandra Fluke (actually does not rhyme with Fluke) is their de facto spokesperson on matters of lifestyle choices and wages. Really? Half the people in the country are okay with a 30-year old college student who wants you to pay for her lifestyle choices and you're afraid to ridicule them?
  5. Democrats In General. Their other de facto spokesperson is Eric Boehlert, George Soros's kept man at Media Matters. Eric's timely and relevant post on Monday was about G.W. Bush's Texas Air National Guard Service. Boehlert is too stupid to realize what shape the country is in while he continues to go after a guy who is no longer in office, and his followers praise him?
  6. Public Employees. Yes, That's Right All Of Them. The biggest supporters of the "us against them" mentality are the people who get paid from the public trough. Back in the salad days of the 80s and 90s, public employees answered critics of their fat and easily obtained pensions by saying "if you're unhappy with your benefits compared to ours get another job." Well, now we're all broke but the last people to do their "fair share" (Obama's words, not mine) are the public employees who earn their livings at my expense. I'm talking about all of them, cops, firefighters, teachers, DMV Klingons. Until one of them in a leadership role steps up and says they are in this mess with those of us who  pay for them their collective petulance, selfishness and greed needs to be ridiculed.
  7. Labor Union Members. Want to know where the manufacturing and blue-collar jobs have gone? They were chased overseas by your ridiculously exorbitant dental plans and artificially high salaries. Stop moaning and start acting like an independent adult.
  8. Liberals. They don't understand the basic historical fact that government has a spotless record of fouling things up. Yet they clamor for more government control over their lives? Are they that weak or that stupid?
  9. The Voters of Nevada. Two words: Harry Reid. If the GSA were patriotic America-loving Americans they would've taken Barack Obama's 2008 advice and not gone to Nevada. The rest of us should stay out of Nevada until Harry Reid is sent packing.
  10. California. Nancy Pelosi. Arnold Schwarzenegger. Jerry Brown. The movie industry. Barbara Boxer. It's time we asked California to pack up and go back to Mexico.
  11. Democrats In General. Barack Obama sent a budget to Congress that not one single Congressperson voted yes on and an entire political party is hellbent on returning him to office? And the rest of us are afraid to ridicule them?
  12. People Who Support Obamacare. They support a program that even the people who passed it don't understand completely. They need to stop talking out of their collective asses and read a book or something.
  13. Liberals. They think scroungy people taking over public parks is a good thing and well-dressed people who make money are evil. They may be the 99% but they are 100% wrong.
  14. People Who Watch Bill Maher. If I was an untalented suckup who might possibly have compromising pictures of the programmers at HBO (how else to explain his continued employment) I, too, could have an unfunny, politically myopic television show that nobody really watches. Maher at least gets paid to spew his vitriol and idiocy, what's your excuse for watching? Don't tell me you think he's funny because I have more respect for your intelligence than that.
  15. People Who Watch David Letterman. I used to be a big fan. That was before he became a doddering old fool who treats his female employees like his own personal harem. He still makes Dick Cheney jokes for crying out loud and people still think he is relevant and engaging. If you watch, ridicule yourself.
  16. People Who Support Barack Obama Because Of His Race. He's half-white. Go ahead and blame his ineptitude on his white part, that's fine with me if it will help soothe your bruised (and racist) ego.
  17. Democrats In General. From what I read from of their own words on a daily basis, they're all ignorant of the Founding Documents, don't understand history (even the parts they use against their own country), and are not sure of their own ability to care for themselves and their families so they want me to do it for them. Furthermore, they are not capable of arguing from an intellectual point-of-view, resorting only to mis-statements, outright lies, and foolish arguments. I actually had a dopey Democrat tell me that Mitch McConnell (R-KY) used the term "uppity nigga" to describe Barack Obama. McConnell said no such thing but the dopey Democrat Obamabot refused to recant his slur. People with this low a level of intelligence should be ridiculed, because we demean ourselves when we take them seriously.
All of the people on this list should be marginalized by the adults who make the country work. We have to stop relegating the future of our country to a bunch of malcontent children who are running rampant like they're at Sunday dinner at Golden Corral whilst their inattentive super-parents smile at how cute they are.

They're not cute.

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

On The Certainty of Death and Taxes

Well Haters and Patriots, I'm back after a brief hiatus to take care of family during one of those times when we actually realize what matters and what doesn't.

Coming back after a three week layoff, I was going to write about Obama and His Obamanots and their blind ignorance about how this country works. Then I was going to write about how it's time Obama and His Obamanots need to be ridiculed instead of feared. They are intellectual children who have learned to whine loudly to get what they want while the adults in the house scramble about trying to appease them even though they know what they are doing is wrong.

But the simple fact of the matter is, I've been gone for three weeks, and nothing has changed, so if I take another day to write about something I think needs to be written about, then so be it.

I would like to take today's column and give a primer of sorts on how to react to someone who has just had a death in the family. I know, I know, this is basic stuff, or at least should be basic stuff. Indulge me.

People who have lost a family member are not sick themselves (typically, don't be annoying by pointing out that they may actually be sick). You can talk to them, it's okay. The chances are very slim you will yourself die after talking to them.

If you do decide to talk to them instead of taking the easy path and ignoring them, please follow this handy 12-step guide I have prepared to help you. If you choose not to follow this list, don't come whining to me when you act like a complete horse's ass the next time someone passes away.

  1. Avoid describing in gory detail the ordeal of your own family member who suffered terribly through the same disease just a year or so ago. It makes everyone uncomfortable. Avoid telling your own personal stories of death and disease. Call them selfish, but people who have just suffered the loss of a loved one are generally not in the mood to commiserate with you on your own pathetic lifestory.
  2. Don't just say something like "Sorry to hear about your loss" and then follow it with a 15 minute recounting of all the people in your life who have died or who are about to die. I'm sure if you try hard you can go a few minutes without talking about yourself.
  3. It's okay to call, or even stop by and say hello. What's the worse thing that could happen? They could break down in tears or yell at you to leave them alone? In fact, just the act of showing your concern is probably enough to lift the spirits of even the deepest mourner -- I'll screen your call if I don't feel like talking.
  4. At the office, don't say  "Hey, sorry about your loss," followed immediately by your rundown of work things that have to get done. You could offer your condolences, leave, and then come back a few minutes later -- it just seems, more, I don't know, caring. But, condolences followed by work questions are far better than just ignoring your associate altogether, so just do the best you can.
  5. Don't offer to help too much. A simple, "Can I do anything?" is enough. We understand that you want to help, but seriously, it takes a lot of energy to say 'no thanks' eleven times.
  6. Don't comment on how bad the deceased looks. We get it.
  7. Don't ask for directions to the church, funeral home or cemetery. You can't possibly be that helpless that you need to ask someone who is burying a loved one for help finding your way around town. And, in the funeral procession, get right up on the ass of the car in front of you. You can convoy through red lights without getting a ticket.
  8. Don't stay too long past the time you realize you should have left like two hours ago. People who are mourning get tired quicker than people who are enjoying a nice few days off from work.
  9. Don't complain about the food at the repast. Seriously, you're getting a free lunch because someone has passed away, save the Gordon Ramsey act for another time.
  10. Don't try to corner any of the surviving family members with a discussion about some cool business venture your friend is trying to launch "if only there was some financing or technical help available to him." As a rule of thumb, people who have just suffered the loss of a loved one are not at the peak of their personal business acumen.
  11. Don't tell the survivors that "it will be okay," or that "time will heal your sorrow." It'll be okay when we are damned well good and ready for it to be okay, and conversely, if we seem to be doing okay even though you think we should be falling apart, well, deal with it.
  12. Just be nice and don't try to do or say too much. Probably a good idea to treat the mournful how you would like to be treated under similar circumstances. Be human.
I'll get back to politics and making fun of all of you dopey Obamabots when I'm damned well good and ready to make fun of you.