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Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Today I'd Like To Talk About Your Uterus, Or, I'll Make You A Deal: I'll Keep My Hands Off Your Uterus If You Keep Your Hands Off My Wallet

Today's column is presented in the form of a letter to all of the meddling liberal women on various social media sites who are mad at me about not wanting to chip in for the use of their uterus.

Warning: This column is offensive, so consider yourself warned. It mentions "uterus" twenty-two times and it makes fun of simple minded people who are currently up in arms about Republicans wanting to control their uterus, which they don't, they just don't want people to be compelled to pay for how you use it. If you find yourself offended by this column, you are a hopeless liberal woman who has been used by the Democrat party to further its agenda of over-reaching statism and are probably mostly mad at me for pointing out how dumb you are.

Dear Liberal Uterus Carrying Persons,

Please stop being so easily offended. It's causing you to be used by the very people you think are there to protect you and your uterus.

In a brilliant tactical move, the Obama Administration ordered, by fiat, that Catholic organizations be required to provide free contraception to their female employees via their healthcare insurance (Obama Gives You Want You Want Except He Doesn't and You Thank Him For It. February 10, 2012). Granted, some on the Right seized the opportunity to talk about issues like abortion, which was not too smart, but the general response to Obama's announcement was one of distaste at anyone being forced against their personal beliefs to pay for something a private individual chooses to do.

Actually you stuck your uterus in my
business. I was perfectly willing to
look the other way.
But if I have to pay for the use of
your uterus by others,
then I want a say in the matter.
The reason why this was such a brilliant move is because most people are dumb and are willing to be led around by their uterus by those who would manipulate it for their own political advancement. Social media sites have been buzzing with annoying little pictures and slogans by Leftists who have completely obfuscated the actual argument. The Dems think it will work for them because it does. It works for them because people are dumb and unwilling to think for themselves.

Obama's brilliant political move is about who wants control of your uterus instead of how the government wants to control a particular religious group (whose members likely include people with a uterus). The Democrats have postured themselves as the kindly saviors of your uterus in the war against the mean Republicans who want to park their bandwagons right up there in that thing. They don't. In fact, everyone is just getting tired of your uterus and how much it's going to cost us in the long run.

All of this stems from people with common-sense who are steadfastly opposed to providing free birth control to women under the pretense of "women's health." This is utter non-sense and you should be ashamed of yourself for being so dumb. Why aren't politicians proposing free condoms for men? They do the same thing. I'll tell you why, but you're going to get offended: Because you have sold your uterus to a political party. You are nothing but a uterus, a couple of Fallopian tubes and an extremely naive world-view to the Democrats.

Why You Should Be Ashamed Of Yourself For Selling Your Uterus To A Political Party:

The Democrat party could care less about you and your so-called "women's health." What they care about is using you and your uterus against the good of the country, through fear mongering and demagoguery. Quite frankly, no one is very interested in your uterus, okay maybe one or two people like that creep in the cubicle next to you or your horrible disgusting man of a husband, but the rest of us are far too busy trying to earn a living, pay taxes, keep our jobs, and save our way of life from becoming Greek-like. However, every stinking time the Democrats find themselves unable to comprehend the real problems facing all of us, they bring up "women's health" or some other sticky social issue so you will get mad at the people who are tired of buying you things, which then saves everyone from worrying about the other boring stuff like our future.

Personally, I don't want to pay for, subsidize, or even hear about your sex life. Frankly, I'm a little bored and turned off with you constantly sticking your uterus in my face. You should also be ashamed of yourself for wanting other people to subsidize your uterus for you. Next thing I know, you're going to want me to pay for your medication to help you quit smoking because you don't have any money left over after paying $8.00 a day for a pack of cigarettes. Oh. Wait. We already do that. Anyway, have all the sex you want, do whatever the hell you want to do, but step up to the plate and pay for it yourself. My desire to not be involved in your uterine decisions is what started this latest round of debate about "women's health," even if none of you are capable of comprehending that.

This month's debate on "women's health" is not about abortion, (which a president has no say in anyway). It's about you and your ilk forcing me and my (rapidly disappearing) ilk to pay for your personal uterine choices.

I feel sorry for you for allowing yourself to be used in this way and for only identifying yourself as a uterus in need of someone else's financial support, rather than a fully thinking human being who truly wants to protect the freedom to do with your uterus as you wish.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go buy some dog food for my elderly mother, laugh at a homeless person, be afraid of homosexuals, fill up the gas tank of my SUV and make a lame racist joke about Jeremy Lin (oh wait, the media does that already). Trust me, I'm far too busy being a dumb stereotypical anti-liberal to get all flustered about your uterus.

Your Friend and Supporter of Freedom (Uterine and Financial),

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