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Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Sandra Fluke. Joan of Arc. Lady Godiva. OMG. Whatever.

First of all let's just get this out in the open.
  • I am male
  • I am white
  • I am over 21
  • I don't care what you do with your life as long as you don't interfere with mine
  • If I have to pay for something for someone else, that is by default interfering with my life
  • If I am paying for your free access to sex-without-consequence your sex life is now my business
  • If you go public with your views on "women's health" and "choice" I have a right to disagree because your argument that I am a male and have no business talking about "women's health" is insipid
I'm glad we had a chance to clear that up.

Joan of Arc. Young Woman. Saves France Then Gets Burned At the Stake

Joan of Arc was a female French person who had a vision from God that the English were completely out of line in their relentless pursuit of the destruction of France during the 100 Years War. Having God on her side, she led the French to some stunning victories against the English and before anyone knew it, Charles VII was King of France. Unfortunately for Joan, a bunch of unhappy people from Burgundy hated Charles VII so they captured Joan and sold her to that pro-est of English bishops, Pierre Cauchon, who had nineteen-year-old Joan burned at the stake. Luckily, if not a little late, the Catholic Church stepped in a few years later and cleared her of all wrong doing.

Joan is not to be confused with Lady Godiva.

Lady Godiva. Middle Ages Woman. Gets Jiggy In Her Effort To Lower Taxes

Even though this sounds like one of those completely unfunny Monty Python skits, Lady Godiva was the wife of Leofric, Earl of Mercia, and the mother of Aelfgar, who was, coincidentally, also Earl of Merica. It seems that Leofric was most likely a Democrat because Ms. Godiva rode her horse in her birthday suit in a protest against the oppressive taxes the old Earl had levied upon his tenant farmers. You see, the Earl grew tired of his wife's constant nagging about the poor people of Coventry so he told her he'd lower their taxes if she rode naked on her horse through town. He was joking, she obviously had no sense of humor. Being somewhat Middle Aged and prudish she decreed that the townsfolk stay inside and not look at her, which everyone did but this one tailor named Tom. Luckily for the people of Coventry the Earl dug the public nudity and he abolished the oppressive taxes.

Lady Godiva is not to be confused with Sandra Fluke

Sandra Fluke. Legal Scholar.  Understands That Having Sex Is Expensive In Many, Many Ways

Democrats across the land are all a-twitter (literally) today because the crusty old white guys that made up yesterday's GOP hearing on contraception didn't allow the brilliant and erudite Ms. Fluke to testify. Luckily for us, she still had a forum for her brilliance and insight when the Democrats on the panel let her speak unofficially during a break in testimony. I believe this was because Ms. Fluke is the best the Democrats have to offer when it comes to the current demagoguery of "women's health."

Sandra Fluke is a third year law student at Georgetown University, and as far as I can tell she speaks for all women on matters of "women's health."

Lest you people accuse me of being misogynistic and of making things up, I'll let Ms. Fluke's words speak for themselves:

Ms. Fluke knew that Georgetown University was a Jesuit run school that did not include free contraception in it's "women's health" coverage. She applied anyway. “I decided I was absolutely not willing to compromise the quality of my education in exchange for my health care,” so she has spent the last three years lobbying the Georgetown administration to pay for her contraception. So far they have resisted her constant nagging.

Fluke wanted to talk about the poor pitiful girls at Georgetown University who have to pay for their own contraception. A full-time law student at Georgetown pays $23,432.50 per year, so yeah, I can see where the rest of us need to pick up the tab for their Saturday night happy-half-hour. “I wanted to be able to share their stories. My testimony would have been about women who have been affected by their policy, who have medical needs and have suffered dire consequences. The committee did not get to hear real stories I had to share, about actual women who have been dramatically affected by this policy.” She also did not mention the poor guys who had to suffer the old-school embarrassment of going to the pharmacy to pick up something for their end of the bargain. “Sadly, I think what I have learned is how willing some members of our government are to play political football with women’s health. That has been heartbreaking to watch."

“Forty percent of the female students at Georgetown Law reported to us that they struggled financially as a result of this policy (Georgetown student insurance not covering contraception).” Fluke had no comment on whether tuition at Georgetown made female students struggle financially. Fluke also had no comment on the whether she was pro-choice when it came to women having sex they couldn't afford. She makes it sound like it's not a choice to just go have a nice dinner and burn off the frustration of being a law student with a little bowling and then calling it an early night.

“Without insurance coverage, contraception, as you know, can cost a woman over $3,000 during law school.” That's a thousand dollars a year! Holy crap. Man, if contraception cost me that much, I'd stop having sex immediately. I want a boat, but the damned bank said it would cost like $3500 a year in monthly payments. I told them I needed a boat for "mental health." They didn't seem to care. Additionally, Fluke made no mention of what it costs the poor male law students in dinner, movie tickets, flowers and perfume.

Realizing that people like me, who understand freewill and personal responsibility, were going to write sarcastic columns about her, Ms. Fluke came prepared to talk about actual "women's health." Fluke has a friend who has polycystic ovarian syndrome. This was her way of confusing women's health with women's choice at the expense of other people's belief systems. Typically, contraception is prescribed for POS only when a woman wants contraception also. Fluke wanted us to believe that contraception is the only treatment for POS when in fact, it is only one possible course of treatment. Fluke says her friend is a lesbian. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but lesbians don't typically need contraception. In fact, being a lesbian is a foolproof method of contraception, so Ms. Fluke has thrown a red herring at us because her lesbian friend can get other treatment that is covered by Georgetown's insurance policies.

In closing, Ms. Fluke said, “We refuse to pick between a quality education and our health and we resent that, in the 21st Century, anyone thinks it’s acceptable to ask us to make that choice simply because we are women.” I suppose the following choices I can come up with would really be offensive to Ms. Fluke:
  • Get a job and pay for your own contraception
  • Ask your boyfriend to get a job and pay for your contraception
  • Find another hobby
  • Understand that you made a choice when you went to Georgetown and no one feels sorry for you that you purposely started a crusade against the Jesuits that even you, as mighty and profound as you are, are going to fail at
Ms. Fluke, do what you want with your body, but stop whining about it when people have different ideas than you about "choice."

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