I have lots of experience getting insulted by Liberals, but very little experience getting insulted for the things I actually say (or write). Typically the epithets get hurled in my direction over things I didn't say. People tell me they want me to get run over by a bus, or that I am a Fox News watching piece of excrement, or that I am a dangerous old racist white person. My first wife and her family all openly prayed for the bus bit, but otherwise the other two things aren't true (except for the old bit, but I'm a helluva lot younger than that creepy Baby Boomer guy you see on TV playing Born To Be Wild with his daughter's rock band). I have several year's of published material to bear out how horrible, or unhorrible, I may or may not be, so when the slurs come at me they don't change my mind about myself.
I'm here to help. I want to instill that same confidence in you so you can go out and try to teach a Lib how the world works.
First, the Four Stages of Arguing With A Liberal:
- They paint you as an extremist
- They condescend and patronize, questioning your intelligence
- They hurl epithets and insults. Hint: The worse the language is the madder they are
- They go silent
When you get to Stage 2 you will likely be accused of watching Fox News non-stop, and this condescension may even take the form of you being called a "Bush defender." You're halfway there. Don't stray from the course.
Once you get to Stage 3 you can begin to relax -- you're almost done! Feel confident you have made your case once the f-bombs and wishes for your ugly and untimely demise begin. If you're only being called a 'fool' or an 'idiot' you need to put a little more effort in. At this point you will come up with the most concise and intelligent points you are capable of, but they will be for naught because your argument will remain unanswered.
Because after that, your opponent will go silent.* Don't go back and taunt them because that will only start you both back at Stage 1. Smile smugly and make a little tick mark in that tattered and frayed copy of the Constitution you carry with you. You do carry a copy of the Constitution with you, right? Good.
These rules apply to verbal conversation as well as social media and digital arguments. The stages don't vary, so stay calm and carry on.
Here's a list of words and accusations you should be prepared for:
- Racist. If you are a racist then you are stupid, if you are accused of being a racist without any corroborating evidence the accuser is stupid. You can't let yourself get offended over baseless accusations but you better make sure you are honest with yourself
- Fox News Watcher: To the Left this seems to be the worst thing you can call somebody. It's their codeword for "doltish moronic automaton who doesn't think for themself." Don't bother addressing this one, but if you feel like it you might want to taunt them for taking Stephen Colbert, Jon Stewart and Bill Maher seriously. The choice is yours. I find that people have a special allegiance to Colbert and they get really, really mad when you call them on it
- Bush Lover. Don't even bother explaining that you don't like big-government presidents regardless of party affiliation, because you'll just sound like someone trying to defend something just for the sake of defending it. I sometimes like to explain to my opponent what a brilliant person G-Dubya must have been because he screwed things up so bad not even a genius like Obama can fix them. This usually shuts them up or disarms them. Again, with the choice thing
- Tea Party Goon. Don't bother asking when the last time a Tea Party gathering turned violent like the Occupy Oakland movement heroes who broke into City Hall this weekend and were so confused about what they're pissed off at that they destroyed a display of grammar school kids' artwork. Just ask them to defend the seedier sides of the Occupy movement. If they resort to using the term "Tea Bagger" call them a homophobe. They freakin' hate that and are never prepared for it.
- Rich Guy Lover. Don't bother asking your opponent if, given the choice, they would rather be a horrible billionaire or a scruffy loser occupying public property in the name of, er, something. Of course the Occupier will twist his dreads and scratch his pale skin as he earnestly tells you that if he was a billionaire he would "help the poor." Just tell them that somebody has to pay for all of this mess, and its obvious it not going to be him.
Of course, when that fails, you can always resort to telling your opponent you have to leave because its time to pick up Muffy at the Mercedes dealer.
* - There is one caveat to Stage 4. Occasionally you will come across a nattering nabob of nincompoopery who has completely run out of things to say, but doesn't bother to stop saying them. Don't confuse this for a lack of silence -- just because the mouth moves doesn't mean the brain is engaged.
Note at the Bottom: There are no Parts I through XIII, I was just hoping to get as many liberals as possible to search this blog for hours looking for them. Sort of an educational ploy.