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Friday, January 20, 2012

Barack Obama: The Perfect Candidate

The field for the GOP nomination for president has been narrowed down to four, and very likely by this time next week there will only be three left. The Democrats are making great sport of the messiness of the GOP primary process. That's mostly because Democrats typically anoint their nominee (unless it's someone icky and female like Hillary), while the GOP vetts and studies their candidates before letting them carry the flag.

There is one other reason for the Democrat's delight at the GOP nomination and primary process: In 2008, the Dems fielded the only perfect candidate in the history of the country and they sure as hell aren't going to admit to any lapses in judgement now.

Here's a quick look at the imperfect GOP field:
  1. Mittt Romney: He's been portrayed as a slicker version of Clark Griswald after apparently driving around New England with his dog strapped to the roof of his car. He's also got a problem explaining perfectly normal and logical tax returns and investments, and then there's all that messy liberal stuff he did in Massachusetts that people like Chuck Todd want to ride him on but they can't because, well, libs avoiding eating their own. Mitt's also a one percenter, so we all know how Americans feels about successful people.
  2. Newt Gingrich: For a pretty ugly guy, Newt's got a lot of 'splaining to do when it comes to his relationships with the opposite sex, and his angry ex-wife isn't helping at all. Then there's his petulance, his history as a lobbyist, and that credit line at Tiffany's that only one percenters have.
  3. Ron Paul: Besides the fact that he thinks Iran's quest for nukes shouldn't be interefered with, he's also got that newsletter that he either did write or didn't write, or he did know about or he didn't know about, but he's a racist regardless.
  4. Rick Santorum: Despite having lost his bid for re-election to the US Senate by the biggest margin in history, Rick's general craziness is offset by the fact that he is not candidate 1, 2 or 3.
Here's a quick look at the most perfect candidate of all time, Barack Obama:
  1. He's brilliant, and you gotta trust me on this, because no one has ever seen any of his his grades.
  2. There may or may not have been sexual harassment claims filed by two of his former Harvard students, but we shouldn't examine this because we don't want to appear racist or anything.
  3. He may or may not have been born in the US, but Donald Trump has bad hair, so you're crazy to even ask about it.
  4. He may or may not have been aligned with radicals like Bill Ayers, Michael Pfleger and Jeremiah Wright, but even if he was, so what?
  5. Michelle Obama may or may not have had to surrender her law license, but she's not president, so stuff it.
  6. Obama may or may not have patronized bath houses in Chicago frequented by the elite of Chicago's "down-low" gay scene, but you're a homophobe for even thinking about it.
  7. There are no ex-girlfriend's, bosses, employees, friends, neighbors, people who cut him off in traffic, or anyone else coming forward to talk about Obama when he was in his twenties and thirties. It's almost like he just appeared one day. Like a miracle or something. Sort of like Jesus, only way better, because who wants to get involved with religion?
  8. He's really rich, but he didn't earn his money in business or anything horrible like that, so I guess he's not a one percenter, and only old white guys are in the one percent, except Steve Jobs, who was old, white and really rich, but he invented the iPad and iPhone and who could live without those? plus, Steve is dead, so he doesn't count.
So, if you ignore a few things, you have the perfect candidate, and now we find out last night that he sings Al Green tunes better than Al Green, so he's like this great president and he's better than Justin Beiber. How cool is that?

Barack Obama is perfect, not like those nasty Republicans, who, like the rest of us, have actual real histories from their actual, real lives.

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