In years past, I devoted the whole week before Christmas to a year in review kind of thing were I pontificated on whatever came to mind. This has been such an unbelievably crappy year that I couldn't bear the thought of reviewing it for more than one column. I try to keep the review piece a little lighthearted and I'll do the same this year, but please know that the tragedy in Newtown, CT, and the suffering caused by Hurricane Sandy still pretty much color every emotion I write with. My prayers for peace and a respite from suffering go out to everyone who was touched by the Newton murders and Hurricane Sandy, as well as the Aurora, CO, shootings and all of the other depraved acts and natural disasters we witnessed this year.
With that all in mind, let us take a look at the absolutely crappy year of 2012:
Worst Presidential Candidate: Mitt Romney. Seriously, Mitt? The country is in the crapper and you couldn't beat a guy with a track record of abysmal failure. Dammit Mitt, you made every half-baked left-wing dingbat in America feel like they actually know something.
Worst President in History: That still goes to Richard Nixon who gave country club Republicans the idea that failure is manifest. Jimmy Carter is still second, but Barack Obama is ready to back the car out of the ditch and pass him.
Mayor Who Follows the Most Racist Race Baiters on Twitter: Cory Booker. Sure everyone loves him because he uses Twitter and rushes into burning buildings to rescue people and then eats only food stamps as a reward, but a common thread with every moron Twitter troll that has called me a racist or thrown some nasty racist attack my way this past year is that Cory Booker follows them. Booker doesn't follow me on Twitter, probably because I criticize him, but he did tell me to "chill out" when I asked him to repudiate the repugnant racist words of one person he followed on Twitter. Booker also admits to getting manis and pedis, but so far he has not been spied wearing meggings whilst out and about the Ironbound section.
Best Twitter Parody Account Of A Failing and Foolish Mayor of a Major City: @MiguelBloomito. For those of you lucky enough to live outside the horrible, Democrat-controlled New York metropolitan area, Mike makes statements in English, then repeats them in Spanish. Horrible, pigeon-Spanish that makes him seem even more foolish than his regular English words do. The best sample is Mayor Bloombito's statement about the end of the world:
"Yo signingo un orderador executivo declaringo that esta okay to opeño giftos de Navidad earlyo por que el mundo endo mañana. #CincoDeMayan"
Least Sexy Democrat Icon of the Year: This award has gone to Hillary Clinton since 1991, but this year Sandra Fluke wins it! Not because she is a soulless political opportunist who allowed herself to be used by the Obama Administration, but because in spite of her complete and total lack of appeal she still needs other people to pay for her birth control while other people pay for her law degree. A Democrat through and through!
Movie of the Year: The hands down winner is The Hobbit because it was the only move I saw this year. I went to the AMC Dine-In theater in Edison, NJ, to see it. If you get a chance to take a movie in at a Dine-In theater you should do it. Drinking Margaritas and eating dinner in a giant reclining chair actually made me forget how much I hate going to movies and dealing with all of the other "people" there.
Album of the Year: Joe Jackson The Duke. Jackson is a musical genius, so him playing the songs of an American treasure who just happened to have been a musical genius made for one helluva a great album. Joe also moved out of New York City because of Mayor Bloomberg's smoking ban, so whether you're a smoker or not, you have to admire Joe's desire to protect his own freedom of choice.
Television Show of the Year: I'm picking this one just to piss off all of you haters who visit this site. By far the best show on television is Red Eye with Greg Gutfeld. It's obnoxious, edgy, makes fun of dopey liberals and Democrats and has cool guests. Plus it's on at 3:00 AM.
Best Television Ads Making Fun of Hipster Doofuses: Have you ever been to an Apple store? Right? How annoying can a shopping experience be? Nothing is worse than some way-too-serious, ultra-condescending emo-boy trying to explain things to me that I've been working on for 30 years. I hate Apple. Not because of its products but because of its stunningly insipid corporate identity.
This ad completely sums up what people should be thinking about the Apple hipster-doofus culture:
Most Childish Way To Be An Adult: Sharing every possible moment of your life on Facebook. Including sending dozens of pictures a day with snappy comments written by someone else in a desperate attempt to make you seem clever except for taking pictures of every embarrassing thing that happens to you or your family and posting them for all to see. Especially the children! Definitely photograph everything the children do so when they grow up they will need to get ear gauges, neck tattoos and be bronies to make up for all the humiliation you caused them. Remember friends, the Internet is forever.
Most Embarassing Human Beings Everrrr: Bronies. For those of you who aren't as down with pop culture as I am, a brony is a male fan of the cartoon show My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic. The average age of a brony is 21, but bronies have been known to be anywhere from 14 to 57 years old. If you are the parent of a person (gay or straight) who picks a brony as a mate please have your offspring committed for their own personal well-being, or at the very least disown them and then gouge your oen personal eyes at as penance for the horrible parenting job you did.
Fashion Statement So Disturbing I Was Hesitant To Post A Picture Of It: Ear gauges.
|Nothing says, "Mom? Dad? Why|
didn't you love me," like ear gauges.
Most Embarrassing Thing A Male Has Ever Put On Their Legs Everrr: Meggings. Meggings make the idiots who wear skinng jeans look like friggin' lumberjacks for crying out loud. If you buy your 20-something meggings because he asked for them, you are the root cause of all the trouble in the world.
|Look at these idiots and tell me you respect them.|
Things That Used To Make You Look Like A Badass, But Now Just Make You Look Like A Tired Emo Cliche Who Should Be On 24 Hour Watch In Case You Feel Like Cutting Yourself: Neck tattoos.
|At 20 years old: "Honey, that is one sexy dragon |
you have on your neck."
At 35 years old: "Hey lady, you should get that blue splotch
on your neck checked out. My Grandma had one and it was
|Nothing says "I beat up women" like|
a neck tattoo.
I'll be back with more reality-based libertarianism (small 'l') and other stuff on January 7, 2013. I don't care how awesome 2012 was for you, I sincerely hope 2013 is better, and to all of the wonderful people I've met while doing hurricane relief stuff in the past 7 weeks, I'll just end the year by saying "Summer's Coming!"