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Thursday, December 1, 2011

People Who Should Apologize To Me On My Birthday

Today is my birthday. I am thankful for lot's of things. Okay, now that we've gotten the mushy stuff out of the way, let's talk about people who owe me an apology.

I am accepting birthday apologies from the following:
  1. Herman Cain. I've never endorsed anyone for a primary before, but I took a chance because I thought you might be a different kind of candidate. Now, it seems to me that you're just Bill Clinton without the tears and political savvy.
  2. Class Warfarists. If you've used the word "millionaire" in a derogatory manner at any time in the last two years you are gumming up the works with your pitiful lack of common sense. I bet if I gave you a million dollars you'd shut up.
  3. Anonymous Blog Haters. Actually, the amount of hate mail I get is a good thing -- if you're not getting flak you're not over the target -- but you people who tell me reading this blog is a waste of time because of my occasional attempts at humor really frost my pumpkins. I understand when I miss the mark, but when I hit it you should give me props.
  4. Barack Obama. Well, actually you didn't ruin the country, but you're doing a damned good job of making sure it all just starts to look like Chicago. Please stop.
  5. George W. Bush. You and your supporters owe me an apology for calling yourselves "conservative" because you really @#*:-) it up for those of us who really understand conservative politics. Seriously, if I was a nincompoop and didn't understand how things work I'd blame it all on you too.
  6. The American People. Please stop dabbling in politics because it's obvious none of you know what the hell you are doing. If you're not going to check with me before you vote next time, please stay home.
  7. Ron Paul. You're doing for Libertarians what Barry Goldwater did for Conservatives. The only problem is I'll be too old to enjoy the benefits when someone playing with a full deck finally shows up on the national Libertarian stage.
  8. The Democrat Party. You're supposed to elevate people who were voted "Most Likely to Succeed" in high school, not people who were voted "Class Clown."
  9. The Republican Party. Or as I like to call you "Democrat-Lite." Either fish or cut bait, but you have to stop messing around because its past time to get serious and act like grown-ups.
  10. The Mass Media. I remember who you people were in high school and college. And now you're running public opinion. Enough said.
I'm glad I got that off my chest. Now where the hell's my cake?

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