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Thursday, December 8, 2011

Pardon Me, Is That A Good Source of Potassium In Your Pocket Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?

I had a hard time figuring out what to write about today.
  • Eric Holder is making a fool out of himself trying to further the Fast and Furious coverup
  • Darryl Issa is giving me hope that America's goose is not cooked by grilling Eric Holder
  • America's Formerly Most-Creepiest Governor Jon Corzine is trying to convice us that not knowing where $1.2 billion of other people's money is isn't really a big deal
  • President Obama said in his news conference that the Keystone Pipeline will create jobs, but not as many as extending the payroll tax cuts or extending unemployment insurance (call me what you will, but I heard that one with me very own ears)
Eh, just boring same-old-same-old in the era of the downfall of America. I mean, sometimes I bore the both of us. I was really feeling uninspired.

Then, God His Very Self shot me with a lightning bolt of cosmic inspiration and led me to a story, making me read it until I was reminded why I waste thousands of hours a year writing this blog.

An un-named Muslim cleric from Europe issued a dikat prohibiting women from eating or touching bananas, cucumbers, carrots or zucchini. Speaking to the Egyptian religious publication el-Senousa News, the cleric explained that if women liked these otherwise phallic and unholy foods they should have a third party cut them up for them in another room. He suggested a male relative like a father, or a brother, or maybe their husbands as long as things didn't get out of hand. Okay, I added that last bit. The cleric did not go into the creepy ramifications of asking your dad or uncle to slice you up a zucchini. I wish he had.

This cleric, who is unusually sexually repressed even by the standards of most extremely repressed religious fanatics, also warned women against holding these food items in public places like supermarkets because the act of holding them would be "harmful" to the women. The last thing this guy wants is women holding dinner ingredients and thinking about dessert.

At first I thought, wow, these Muslim clerics really have way too much time on their hands.

But then I thought about it, and now I don't think the cleric went far enough in his efforts to suppress women in the name of religion. I also think this good man of God should have forbidden women from the following:
  1. Riding on airplanes  
  2. Ordering cheesy breadsticks at Pizza Hut
  3. Going to baseball games because of multiple temptations
  4. Polka parties because of the invariable bratwurst infestation, plus, that music is salacious
  5. Using writing utensils - especially those giant ones you get at the museum sometimes
  6. Owning daschunds
  7. Sending nutlogs and fruitcakes to their friends as holiday gifts
  8. Being Facebook friends with Anthony Weiner
  9. Calling the Fire Department
  10. Watching 'Hunt For Red October'
In other news about lack of self-control, Majlis al-Ifta al-Aala, Saudi Arabia's highest Islamic council recently announced they had concluded that if women were allowed to drive there would "be no more virgins" in the country in ten years. My first thought was that they thought the women would all crash into something, but they were obviously deeper thinkers than me because they attributed the national loss of virgins to the "surge in prostitution, pornography, homosexuality and divorce" that would inevitably result in having chicks behind the wheel. This was something I hadn't contemplated before whilst stuck in traffic behind a woman applying her mascara.

Not to be outdone, Saudi Arabia's Committee for the Promotion of Virtue and the Prevention of Vice (honestly, I did not make that up), decreed that some women's eyes were far too alluring for regular pious men to withstand looking at, so those women with extra "tempting" eyes needed to cover them up as well, along with all the other stuff men find so interesting to look at.

Ladies, remember this the next time some religious lunatic shoots up an Army base in the name of Jihad and your President calls it an "incident of workplace violence."

God pointed me to Pamela Geller's 'Atlas Shrugged' blog for information on this story.

Note at the Bottom: I would just like to say to anyone issuing a fatwah against me that I completely agree with everything I learned from my research about fruits and vegetables and how women are obviously not capable of thinking of men when they make a salad or banana split. And if you could find a way to ban broccoli - for men and women - I would be most obliged. Also, if you are planning on blowing up my car or kidnapping me, could you wait until after Christmas?

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