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Friday, December 23, 2011

A Liberal Primer: How Not To Write Hate Mail

Dear Anonymous,

I always enjoy reading your hatemail because it is a great indicator that I have made my point. Yesterday's post about Obama's latest 2012 campaign video (Barack Obama's Campaign Video for College Students, Or, If My Kid Comes Home From College and Annoys Me With This Crap I'm Not Paying Next Semester's Tuition - December 22, 2011) obviously made you feel very sad and frustrated, but in the long run, that's a good thing. I am writing you this letter out of my desire to help you become less cliched and stereotypical. As a service to you I've decided to give you pointers on writing hatemail so you can get your points across, assuming you actually have a point.

To remind you, this is what you wrote:
This was so poorly written, I cant even understand your point. And quite frankly, you used quite frankly 3 times in your blog. I'm not pro Obama, but I like to read well written blog posts. If you are going to make your case, make some sense first. Layoff the Fox News while you are at it. It's dumbing you down. - Anonymous
I'll go sentence by sentence, take notes:
  1. The word "can't" is a contraction for "can not." If you are going to critique someone for writing poorly, you should probably not write poorly while doing so.
  2. Although it is sometimes accepted, sentences starting with the word "And" should be avoided. There is always a better option.
  3. Quite frankly, when you point out my redundant use of the phrase "quite frankly" you should put "quite frankly" in quotes. It quite frankly also helps to take the time to understand that the redundant use of the phrase "quite frankly" was done as a literary device to point out exasperation. Quite frankly, I am sorry you were not able to grasp that.
  4. "I'm not pro Obama..." Based on how upset you are about a post taking Obama's campaign to task, I think you are. You need to do a little introspection, or stop trying to lie about your political proclivities either out of embarrassment or because of a lame attempt to pull the wool over my eyes.
  5. "but I like to read well written blog posts." Well, then, you've come to the right place, as long as you are intelligent enough to understand subtlety and satire. Based on your writing ability, you should think of me as your god and learn about words and how they work together.
  6. Also, "pro Obama" and "well written" should be hyphenated to ensure the reader knows those two words go together. Don't make me take out my red pencil.
  7. I like when you tell me that I should attempt to make sense first before I make my case. Read the post again. I am hitting people like you over the head with a mallet, so I'm surprised you didn't get the gist of what I wrote. I know lots of smart people who are actually not pro-Obama who stopped watching Fox News for a few moments and really enjoyed this piece.
  8. In this last sentence you give yourself away. Because I am obviously taking President Obama to task you assume I watch Fox News. I bet you dislike millionaires and billionaires too. You probably think all the problems in the world stem from evil bankers. This makes you a cliche, and an ignorant one at that. I could be like you and tell you to watch MSNBC, but you're probably too busy getting your news from Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert to watch Morning Joe. Come at me with legitimate points instead of tired old cliches you barely understand but think sound good because they come from cool guys you adore. With a little effort on your part maybe you too will have a future outside of the basement in your mom's house.
Lastly, you sign off as "Anonymous." How many times have I told you people that I won't publish your comments if you don't have the cajones to put your name behind them? It's right over there ---> in the rules and regulations for crying out loud.

So here's what I learned about you from your angry defense of the guy you are not defending:
  1. If you truly were not "pro-Obama" (note proper use of hyphen) and just thought this Blog sucked you would have moved on. So therefore, you either have a very sad and pathetic life which gives you the time to critique little Blogs like mine, or you are pro-Obama and I really hit a nerve.
  2. You are under 25, or you smoked so much pot when you were younger your grasp of difficult and foreign concepts has been severely limited.
  3. If you are male, you very likely wear your hair in a faux-hawk, even though you don't realize that people over five years-old with faux-hawks are laughed at when they go to the Mall. You also probably think the rest of society wants to see your underwear so you wear your pants down at some 1996-cliche level to prove how tough and hip you are.
  4. If you are female, you are most likely orange from too much inside tanning. You speak with an affectation called 'vocal fry' (think Britney Spears on Xanax) and wear gold-lame low-top Chucks.
  5. Regardless of sex, you are unsure of what you actually think politically, hence the fear of using your actual given name, unless your parents were embarrassed by you and named you 'Anonymous' so they didn't have to take the blame for all the dumb things they knew you were going to do.
  6. You are an intellectual eunuch.
  7. You probably went to college, or are still in college, so you are excused for not knowing too much about how the actual world you will someday struggle in.
  8. You are one of the people in the video and you are trying to rationalize your embarrassment at being a member of a Cult of Personality.
  9. You are my 12th Grade English teacher who never liked me in the first place and who was really resentful when she was forced to give me an 'A' because of my brilliance even though her hatred for me made her drool on her lesson planner.
Here's the type of hatemail I usually get:

You #^&$*%(#^  @$&*(%) I hope you #$&^%  get hit by a bus. You ignorant #*&%$#. - Anonymous

So in spite of the your obvious language-center deficiencies, you did prove you are somewhat more intellectual than the average angry person who vehemently denies being pro-Obama while they make asses of themselves defending him.

Besides all of the fun at I am having at your anonymous expense, I thank you for reading and I hope you'll keep reading so that someday you can look back at this time in your life and say to yourself, Gosh I was so silly and immature until I started reading Jack's blog. Now, thanks to him, I have a fuller understanding of the world around me, and, by golly, I've even started to develop a sense of humor, which looking back, I understand was the first thing Liberalism stole from me.

Your friend,

Note at the Bottom: I get lots of hatemail from Anonymous, and they all sound the same, which leads me to the following possible conclusions: All of my hatemail comes from one person who is obsessed with me, or all liberal haters are embarrassed by their opinions and are unable to process any individual thoughts, so they simply write what they are told to write by Keith Olbermann and Eric Boehlert.


coop said...

You are an idiot. Selfishness in the name of politics just makes you an asshole. Any Rand has been discredited everywhere but in a small, selfish subgroup. We live in a community not the fantasy selfishness land of you and Ms Rand. Please shut the hell up and stop trying to destroy our country.

Jack Sharkey said...

"Coop" joined Blogger in December 2011, probably because my words (that he is free to read or ignore)made him extremely angry - which is a good thing.

I posted this because I am delighted at the amount of raging hatemail this piece has generated. "Coop" doesn't deserve a forum for his limited views on politics and civility but "Coop" is a great example of the level of discourse you get with angry Statists.

I invite "Coop" to put his words and beliefs in writing and post them for others to read. I promise I will link to "Coop" if he lets us know where his work can be located.