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Friday, December 16, 2011

Congress Decides Not to Tell You How to Light Your House

I was going to buy all of my family and friends incandescent lightbulbs for Christmas this year. I also planned to get heavily involved in the forthcoming incandescent lightbulb black market. In fact, my retirement was hinging on becoming a black market incandescent lightbulb tycoon.

This was because Congress passed an energy efficiency law in 2007 that would have effectively outlawed regular old incandescent light bulbs as of January 1, 2012. Nobody paid too much attention to this attempt by the Federal Government to sit next to you while you did your knitting, probably because Congress was incredibly embarrassed at having passed such a moronic law in the first place. By the way, George W. Bush was president in 2007 so all of you mainstream GOPers need to stop with the conservative indignation right now.
Back when America wasn't filled with stupid busybodies who
had nothing better to do than to mess things up, smart people
invented stuff that made our lives better, not worse.
The brilliant thing about the incandescent light bulb ban is that we would have had to use compact flourescent lightbulbs in our homes because they are more efficient and they make people who love birds and trees happy. Except they contain mercury so special precautions have to be taken when you break one. They also can't be used in enclosed spaces or with timers, and they have to be disposed of like old paint and car batteries. If you happen to dispose of your compact flourescent at a facility that incinerates garbage, we will all die from airborne mercury vapors.

Other than that, they're an excellent replacement for a technology that has served us pretty well for over a hundred years. We will be able to completely stop using coal-fired power in our homes! Well, actually that's a lie but you get the point. Green energy is the future, and if you are against green energy you probably root for cancer and aim for little girls walking their puppy dogs on the sidewalk while you drive your '74 lime-green Plymouth to the Chamber of Commerce meeting.

Compact flourescent bulbs are better for the earth so...wait, no they're not.

Compact flourescent bulbs are way worse than incandescent bulbs but since Subaru-driving, granola-munching, tweed-wearing egghead types are worried about the earth, we should use them. But since we don't want to use them because they suck, the eggheads asked the government to step in and protect us from ourselves. Seriously, in 1900 the earth was a lot cooler than it is now, and it's all because of lightbulbs. If you don't agree with that logic you probably pray, shoot guns and fly Old Glory from your front porch. You might be a good American, but you are a bad Citizen of Earth.

Congress shouldn't be applauded for doing the right thing and allowing us to light our homes as we see fit, but we should give them the same credit for fixing this insane legislation that we give our teenager for not wearing the same socks 12 days in a row. Okay, your feet don't stink so bad, but we really need to talk about why girls think you're gross. 

Let me weigh the benefits against the two products for myself. Let me decide which product is better for my family and my environment. Let me choose between an expensive product that will save me money over the long-term and an inexpensive product that I know is safe and slightly more expensive to use.

I'll take care of my business, which will free you Congresspersons up to do more important things like fix the tax code and cut into the deficit.


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