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Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Matt Lauer, Ann Curry & Al Roker: The Three Stooges of Doom


Because I have not yet mastered the art of being a happy person, I woke up wishing I could go back to bed today. But I do that every day except Christmas (most Christmas's anyway, depending on what I'm getting that year). My unhappiness with being awake on a Tuesday morning was compounded by my bad decision to watch The Today Show while I ate breakfast.

Ann Curry is very worried about you
 because it's going to rain tomorrow
while you're on the way to grandma's
 house to freeload some turkey
 and give the stink-eye to your
 brother-in-law.

Here's what I learned:
  1. Thanksgiving is ruined because it is going to rain tomorrow and 42,000,000 Americans will be stuck at LaGuardia airport in New York City. Well, they didn't exactly say everyone would get stuck at LaGuardia, but I think that's what they meant
  2. Thousands of people who don't live in The Big City burn their houses down every year deep frying turkeys on Thanksgiving. They had the hokey staged videos of deep fried turkeys gone bad to prove it. Well, they didn't exactly say thousands, but I know what they meant 
  3. America is ruined because the Super Committee failed to do exactly what everyone with common sense knew they were specifically set up to fail to do. Everyone but NBC that is. Well they knew it too, but they think you are dumb and didn't know. Get it?
  4. English kids didn't think Kate looked like a princess because she wore a sweater and jeans or something to some thing she did somewhere over there, and a couple of English people are upset so we should be too
  5. My wife can't cook as good as Martha Stewart
    Would you trust your Thanksgiving travel plans to this buffoon,
    even if he stood in front of a map with clouds on it
     and acted really sincere about  the impending
    doom of Thanksgiving travel? 
    
Now, it's obvious you have some common sense or you would have blocked this website by now. Your common sense helps you realize that sometimes it rains, sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes holiday travel sucks, sometimes you wish a blizzard would blow into town so you didn't have to spend so much time with all of those people.

But, understanding that the road of life sometimes travels on nice smooth roads as well as the kind of roads we have here in New Jersey is boring. Being an adult is boring, most of the time. Thank God. However, the 300 talking heads shouting at you on a daily basis rely on things not being boring so you will listen to them and buy the soap they are selling.


The Three Stooges of Doom only get paid when things are bad, so,
it makes sense to make sure things are bad.

Here's my advice to survive the impending holiday and all of the terribleness surrounding it:
  1. Bring an umbrella
  2. Leave a little early
  3. Hide the beer from the beer-swilling members of your family until after the turkey is carved
  4. Don't call your ex-wife and tell her you're thankful she's your ex-wife
  5. Avoid watching television so you don't know how bad things are while you do what you do. (Actually, that's excellent everyday advice)

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