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Wednesday, November 30, 2011

How To Shut Iran Up and Stick Our Giant American Thumbs In Saudi Arabia's Eye While We're At It

The rabble in Iran has been aroused again. This time they're picking on the British because of the new sanctions being placed on Iran by us and them, and they can't find us anymore because we split thirty-two years ago. All British diplomats have been pulled from Iran and all Iranian diplomats have 48 hours to pack up their carpeting and cheap Armenian suits and get out of Great Britain. This is a good thing.

A better thing would be to drop our giant capitalist L.L. Bean hiking boots on their throats by putting them out of business. This can be done in a simple 10 step program:
  1. Round up everyone in this country who is against American energy self-reliance and tell them flat out, "Listen Jeremy, stop getting in the way. If you want to go green there are a lot of undeveloped countries around the world you can take you and your hemp sweater to, but we're going to become independent again, so don't say we didn't warn you."
  2. Tell the EPA they'd better buy a lot of mops and buckets because there's going to be American oil, gas, and coal everywhere
  3. Go knock on Canada's door and explain to them how sorry we are that we have a guy in the White House who sort of doesn't understand anything other than getting elected, and that we sure would like them to bring their pipeline to the border on North Dakota because we've reconsidered and decided being grown-ups is the only way to save our asses, so on second thought we're going to build that pipeline after all, and Tim Horton's is way better than Dunkin' Donuts
  4. Personally visit every oil, coal and gas worker in the country and tell them how really sorry we are for being so insensitive and that we'll never let it happen again, and now that we've cleared all of that up can you please go back to work
  5. Visit the moose in Alaska and tell them they should start looking for new migratory routes in the Alaskan National Wildlife Reserve or get used to munching breakfast next to oil derricks and refineries. If the moose tell us they are unhappy with that we should tell them Canada is accepting moose Visa requests
  6. Flood America with oil -- no dope, not literally, figuratively and capitalistically.
  7. Watch the world price of oil plummet
  8. Stick our elbows in our neighbor's ribs and guffaw as the kind-hearted folks in the Middle East start scrapping their solid gold bidets to buy camel feed
  9. Refuse to answer the phone when Saudi Arabia robo-calls us with their end-of-year specials on light sweet crude
  10. Teach future generations about the folly of American foreign policy in the 20th Century but ensure them that America eventually came to its senses and broke the bonds of slavery to countries that would rather see us dead
It's not that hard to do America. We just need a little will and backbone and we need to teach the ignorant among us about what needs to be done so we can live the kind of lives the Occupy Whatever folks are demanding we let them live.

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