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Tuesday, October 18, 2011

I Got Your Down Twinkles Right Here

As many of you know, I have been fascinated with the Occupy Wall Street movement for like a week or something. But, as only some of you may know* I actually wanted the Occupy Wall Street movement to do something, to change things, to be a force for good in the political discourse of our country. I was rooting for the movement to have substance. I also root for the Knicks.

If you are a committed Leftist, Statist, hippy, agorist, communist, socialist, labor union dude, college student, college professor, Nancy Pelosi, Democrat, Eric Boehlert follower, or Rachel Maddow's hairstylist, please see the second note right before the video before continuing.

* - I am referring only to people who actually read this blog, as opposed to the myriad Leftist haters who have been slogging me non-stop with hate mail who obviously don't have a clue what the hell they are talking about.

** - Stop reading now, because you are very likely not going to get the satire which will cause you to then waste my time by tweeting me with inanity only to get intellectually ass-kicked by me before you block me. I am biased. I'm okay with that. I am biased against superciliousness, stupidity and people trying to be something they are not.




Okay kids, let's walk through the Seven Basic Hand Signals:
  1. Twinkles: "This is to show agreeance to something." Now I never lived on a commune, and ever since I was a little kid I've found hippies kind of amusing, but I have to say I find it hard to believe that America's labor unions and the American Nazi Party -- who have both come out in favor of the OWS movement -- will ever use twinkles.
  2. Down Twinkles: The first time I ever heard the term "down Twinkles" was many years ago when I had a friend who had a Yorkshire Terrier that used to hump my leg whenever I would visit her, but I haven't heard it since. I'm thinking the next time my boss asks me to work late I will give him "down twinkles."
  3. Direct Response: This means there is critical information missing. Up until Occupy Wall Street came along and fixed everybody's wagon, we would just say "what the hell are you talking about?"
  4. Clarifying Question: This means "there is a question I need to have answered before the process can continue." I have a question...why can't I just raise my hand and ask my question? Why do I have to make a hand signal that looks amazingly like an obscene gesture punks in the Seventies would make at the police?
  5. Point of Process: This little triangle you are now making with your hands means I have gotten off the process. There was also another meaning to this that I learned many years ago working in Lower Manhattan but I'm not going to tell you what it is. Why can't I just say, "ummm excuse me, you're rambling or off-point or I need to clarify something or something? Where the hell is Vestman? I'm confused."
  6. Wrap It Up: Means "you've been rambling." That probably comes in handy when you're hanging out occupying things with the Columbia U graduate student with the trust fund set up by grandad who also tried to stow away on a flight at JFK by hopping the ticket counter. (Warning: offensive language, drug use and chronic stupidity), or right after you've just smoked a blunt with a communist and you need to go to the kitchen area for some Screaming Yellow Zonkers.
  7. Raise the Roof: Vestman actually said this with a straight face. Sometimes when I can't hear someone I politely say "I can't hear you." But most times I'm just happy I don't have to listen to them and I just stand there with a high school graduation picture grin on my face.
Now, if someday there is an Occupy New Jersey movement we will need the following additional hand signals:
    
    Fugheddaboutit
  1. Fugheddaboutit: This is a silent way to ax the person with the clarifying question who needs to wrap it up "what are you freaking stupid?"
  2. 
  3. Hey Stunad! You Annoy the Crap Out of Me!: This gesture is used when you've tried the Wrap It Up Gesture but the guy with the "Fear the Illuminati" sign just won't yield the floor so we can vote on whether to have bean sprouts or tofu with our Hard Lemonade apertifs.
  4.   
    Hey Stunad! You Annoy
    the Crap Out of Me
    
  5. The Maloik: Sometimes called the 'evil eye,' this sign is basically just a way to ward off bad luck, but if you want to put a spell on me for giving you down twinkles because I think you are childish and unserious, go right ahead.



The Maloik. Please note, west of New Jersey
this is often called the Hook 'em Horns sign. 



















1 comment:

Mike Rigsby said...

I support most of what OccupyPortland wants but even I had to laugh at their hand signals.
However, if you can get past the 'too big of a bong hit' hippie hand signals themselves, those meanings are all just standard Project Management tools for communication in large groups. You learn those terms in any business management class.