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Thursday, September 29, 2011

Obama Administration's New Regulations for the NFL

New Obama Administration NFL Czar Janeane Garofalo will be releasing guidelines and regulations for the National Football League that go into effect in October 1. Luckily for all of us, I have been able to secure a list of these new guidelines and regulations ahead of their actual release.

"We've removed the outdated 'cycle' of winning and losing and added some rationality to the way these teams compete," a government spokesperson said yesterday. "The playing field is now level for those lucky enough in our American sports system to have been successful while giving the likes of poor hapless teams like Cincinnati a chance to hold their heads up high with victory once in a while. We promise this will work and we know you will begin to enjoy it as memories of the old NFL fade away."
  1. The following teams will be given a 15 point "Level The Playing Field" headstart because they are failing by the parameters of "winning" and "losing" currently used by the NFL establishment: Cincinnati Bengals, Kansas City Chiefs, Minnesota Vikings, Miami Dolphins, Cleveland Browns, Detroit Lions, Buffalo Bills, Jacksonville Jaguars. The current NFL system is outdated because it only tracks results and does not place any emphasis on "trying." Also, things that hold teams back, like having sucky players, are not taken into account in this system. Teams located in historically blue states and non-right-to-work states may be added to this list as the NFL Czar deems necessary. Even though Detroit is off to a good start they are being grandfathered in.
  2. The following teams will be given a 10 point "Share the Wealth Assessment" to help bolster the self-esteem of the teams they are playing: Green Bay Packers, New Orleans Saints, Philadelphia Eagles, New England Patriots. This assessment will be collected in the following manner: The first 10 points these "successful" teams score will be credited to their opponents score. Once their opponent has scored 10 points on their own, the assessment points are completely removed from the scoreboard. If the opponent fails to score 10 points on their own by the start of the 4th quarter, an additional 5 points may be removed from the score of the "winning" team at the discretion of the "NFL Score and Fact Checker" and his or her four assistants who will be present at each game. This NFLSFC will be appointed by the NFL Czar. If the "winning" team scores an additional 10 points before the not winning team scores any points, those points will be split by both teams.
  3. Touchdowns for the following teams: Pittsburgh Steelers, Philadelphia, New Orleans, Atlanta Falcons, New York Giants and Jets, Green Bay, New England and Baltimore Ravens are now worth 4 points. Extra points will be be credited as per Item 4. Teams must still make valid and earnest attempts to score extra points so as not to diminish the chances of teams receiving points from the EPLB (see Item 4).
  4. Extra points scored by the teams as enumerated in Item 3 are now to be credited to the following teams: San Francisco 49ers, Cleveland Browns, Jacksonville, Carolina Panthers, Seattle Seahawks, Miami Dolphins, Cincinnati and Oakland Raiders. These extra points will be placed in an "Extra Point Lock Box" (EPLB) and distributed upon request of the team mentioned in this Item with 12 minutes written notice to this office. Points can be deducted from the EPLB regardless of the opponent the withdrawing team is facing. If the withdrawing team has a bye they may take up to three points from the EPLB to hold for future games, to make up for their inability to score during their bye week.
  5. Fans are now restricted from wearing the following gameday outfits: Oakland - no monsters, creatures, hobgoblins or scary looking death people because of possible offense to Goths and German bikers. New Orleans - no Elvis impersonators to protect the feelings of people in trailer parks and all religious depictions of saints, nuns, popes, priests and voodoo practitioners are strictly forbidden under the Constitutional rule of "separation of church and state" even though that phrase does not appear anywhere in the US Constitution.
  6. The Washington Redskins are hereby abolished. The New York Giants are now to be called New York Large People. The New England Patriots are now to be called the New England Racist, Homophobic, Bible-thumping, Angry White Men. 
  7. The Dallas Cowboys and Houston Texans are banned for 10 years or until the damage caused by George W. Bush no longer affects the presidency of Democrats.
  8. The lightning bolt on the San Diego Charger's helmet is to be replaced with the Recycling symbol.
  9. To help mitigate the risk to gamblers "winning" teams are not allowed to exceed the point spread. Each point above covering the spread a "winning" team scores will be placed in the EPLB. If an "underdog" "wins" a game by outscoring a "favorite" no such penalty will be assessed because the "favorite" had it coming to them for displaying arrogance and hubris in their unfair attempts to be "successful" at the expense of unsuccessful teams.
  10. If a team places funds (amount randomly specified by the NFL Czar) in the government controlled Fund for the Development of Winners Right Up Until They Actually Win Something (DWRUUTAWS) that team may apply to the NFL Czar for a waiver to these rules.
Finally, America's Game will no longer feature "winners" and "losers," "success" or "failure." Now thanks to the Obama Administration and NFL Czar Janeane Garofalo, everyone can equally enjoy their NFL experience without damage to their self-esteem.

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