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Wednesday, June 8, 2011

A Public Service Announcement - Threat Level Midnight

I'm going to take a break today from attempting to solve the world's problems and I'm going to share a very important message with the people of America.

It's going to be hot out today. Tommorow too.

Back before the days of 24 hour media broadcasting 90 minutes of news, it would get hot and people would bitch and then it would rain or something and people would get over themselves.

Now, it's a crisis. At least according to all of the weather people and their cute little colorful maps.

So, in an attempt to help my readers get through this two day spell of hot weather I am going to steal some of the advice the weather-bimbos (male or female, doesn't matter) shouted to me this morning. Plus, I am going to add a few tips of my own. You can use your superior judgement skills to figure out which is which.
  1. Drink plenty of water.
  2. Sit near a fan.
  3. Check on old people.
  4. Stay in an air-conditioned room.
  5. Buy an ice cube tray that is suppository shaped to facilitate inserting ice cubes in your own personal cooling zone.
  6. Turn off the television to conserve energy and get away from nattering weather bimbos.
  7. Use deoderant.
  8. Realize it is pretty much summer time and it gets hot in summer.
  9. Understand that Global Warming did not cause it to be hot like this. Solar Warming did.
  10. Go jump in a lake. Or, if possible, take a long walk off a short pier.
Stay cool my friends, and remember, it was only like two months ago that we were all bitching about the cold weather.

You're welcome.

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