1. President Barack America* is being praised for admitting he voted against raising the budget ceiling as a freshman Senator because he made a "political vote." Of course now as President he realizes the "full faith and credit of the United States" hinges on raising the debt ceiling.
Barack America: Not a Jackass, just a slimey politician.
Voters of Illinois: Jackasses for sticking us with Barack America in the first place.2. Joe Biden fell asleep during the President's amazing speech on the economy this week. Okay, the speech was just more political rhetoric from a hack politician, but give me a break kids, I'm trying to break into the news business.
Joe Biden: Not a Jackass for falling asleep during amazing speech, the content was over his head anyway.
News Media: Jackass for thinking President America's speech was anything other than hack political pandering to low-thinking political neophytes.3. Jacquelyn Barnette, a self-described Muslim blogger from Georgia sent a pig's foot to Rep. Peter King (R-NY) to protest his amazingly horrible, racist and McCarthy-like Congressional hearings on home-grown terrorism. The peaceful Ms. Barnette told King to "kiss her black Muslim-American ass." Thanks to Rodger from Alabama for pointing this story out.
Ms. Barnette is a Muslim like your teenaged daughter with the piercings and tattoos is a biker. Seriously Ms. Barnette, the least you could do is change your name so then we'd know you were serious about this whole kissing your black Muslim-American ass thing.
Dear Potentially Offended Persons, I am making fun of Ms. Barnette and her half-assed attempt at being somebody, so you can relax. Your Friend, Jack.4. Twenty-year-old Angelina K. Barnes from Oklahoma drowned her cat, sliced it open and used the blood as part of the outfit she planned on wearing to the Lady Gaga concert that night. Apparently, so she could freshen up during intermission, she put the animal's liver in her make-up case.
Ms. Barnes: Not a Jackass, just a mental case.
Lady Gaga: Jackass. I mean seriously, have you actually listened to Lady Gaga?5. China, the next Big Kid On The Block has banned fictional time travel from the media. The Minister of Television And Backward Thinking (his actual title) said characters traveling back in time "lack positive thoughts and meaning" and that portrayals of time travel can "casually make up myths, have monstrous and weird plots, use absurd tactics, and even promote feudalism, superstition, fatalism and reincarnation." Next they are going to ban CNN, MSNBC and Rachel Maddow in particular.
China: Not A Jackass for banning time travel. It's Chinese Food Friday and I don't want to be a hypocrite.
Have a nice weekend. Regular programming resumes next week.
* - New readers to the Blog: I refer to our president as Barack America because that is how Joe Biden introduced him during a 2008 campaign stop.